Between Heartbeats
by AliceSloane13
Summary: Series of one shots about Red and Nicky.
1. Some Things Can't Be Rushed

Nicky stood, surrounded by inmates, catching up with her friends and family. Lorna was at her side, consistently grabbing her sleeve, hanging on to the back of her khakis, or linking her arm with Nicky's. She was like one of those damned monkeys that rides around on its mom's back. Nicky didn't shrug her off though, she just hoped this phase would pass.

She loved Lorna to death, but the clingy? Not so much. She understood how much Lorna need that connection though. Nicky needed it too right then. She couldn't believe she was back with everyone. It all felt surreal.

Piper came over to greet her and it was such a relief. The blond looked happy to see her, but it was different. There were no kid gloves. Sure there was relief, but for the most part Piper acted like they were friends just catching up after summer break. Maybe she didn't get the levity of what Nicky had been through or maybe she just knew how much Nicky wanted everyone to treat her normal again.

Normal.

Normal wasn't a descriptor for people like her. People like her were unstable, chaotic, selfish… but never normal. Nicky lost a little bit of her enthusiasm as she thought about the only reunion that mattered. Surely the news that she was back had already made it through the Litchfield grapevine. She didn't even know if Red would seek her out or hide away in her kitchen, pretending she no longer existed.

Red cared. There was never a doubt in Nicky's mind about that. It was more a question of whether she would let Nicky back in or not. Trust was a fragile thing and even love wasn't always enough to build it back up. If she were being completely honest with herself, Nicky wasn't sure if she could handle Red loving her. Not after the past few days - she didn't deserve it.

Nicky brushed the thoughts away, partaking in a little banter with Chapman. It seemed easy. She was good at it. People, jokes, working a room - Nicky was a great entertainer. Right now, she needed that kind of distraction. Anything to help her push down the emotions that were thrashing to get out. All she wanted to do was go find Red. Find her and try to explain. Try to make her understand. Maybe she didn't deserve it. Maybe facing Red she wouldn't be able to accept it. God, she wanted it though.

It seemed impossible.

She just needed to get the pain over with. There was no way in Nicky's mind that she would be welcomed. No way that she would receive anything other than cold distance and disappointment. She deserved it too - all of it. How many times could she hurt someone before they gave up? It was inevitable.

There was just as much a chance that Red might smack her across the face as there was that she might hug her. Red was never predictable in how she handled things, especially Nicky. She knew she was different to the older woman. She had always been treated differently. Sometimes it was great, but other times tough love didn't begin to describe it.

There was no doubt in her mind - she would gratefully take the slap, as long as it meant that Red was _there_. That she was a presence in her life once more - that was never too far away. She could even handle it if Red never spoke to her again - at least she thought she could. Just as long as she was there. Nicky felt something click back into place and suddenly she could breathe again.

Everything had been so backasswards since she'd been back - she expected the slap. She expected angry words. She would come face to face with the one person she cared about most and it would all crumble for good. The feeling didn't last long.

Nicky felt Lorna tense beside her. The crowd broke and she heard a gasp. Red had come for her. As soon as Nicky lay eyes on her all of her anxiety melted away. She didn't even know if Red was angry or not, but that didn't matter.

Before she knew it, Red was walking towards her. Maybe it was the look on her face, or something in her eyes, or maybe Nicky just _knew_ but Red was happy to see her. She looked so grateful, that when she reached out to hug her, Nicky hesitated.

It only lasted a second, probably missed by the others, but she had. Nicky thought the hug might break her down. That she would start crying here, in front of everyone, pleading with Red not to hate her - as she told her all the ways she had screwed up.

Nicky hadn't taken the drugs when she'd been sent down the hill. Red didn't know that though. Red didn't know that she'd broken down and used only the day before. Nicky felt sick. The one person she never wanted to disappoint was here and didn't even know about her betrayal yet.

Maybe she did. Red had a way of figuring out things - things she should have no way of knowing. She was here now though. Here and looking at Nicky like she'd just given her the moon. It hurt. It hurt so much. Nicky wanted to run. She didn't know if she could be accepted so unconditionally without breaking.

When Red grabbed her, pulling her to her, across the gab that stood between them. All Nicky knew how to do was collapse against her and let Red make things alright again. Even if it was only temporary. Even if things weren't real. She didn't want to think about anything other than the moment she was in.

Nicky curled into the embrace and clutched onto Red like she had during detox. That was the first time Red had held her. Nicky didn't like to let her walls down and Red didn't push. Moments like there were rare. Both women just held on wanting to make it last.

Nicky felt the vibration of Red talking through her chest, but didn't hear what she said. Something about things not being rushed. Nicky closed her eyes. She wasn't ready to let go. Felling Red's arms tight around her Nicky couldn't remember why she didn't seek this out more often.

All she could focus on was the feeling of being touched by someone else. She had been so fucking lonely in max. She had put her walls up and they stayed that way. It was exhausting. Nicky played tough - and she was, but Nicky was also a little bit broken. Sometimes, she just needed to be loved.

The feeling of surrendering to her own helplessness and letting the weight of fear leave her temporarily, made her pull Red even closer. Red smelled like home. She lay her head against Red's shoulder and let the other woman rock her gently - grounding her. The older woman always knew how to quiet her down, tame her wild frantic feelings and thought, and make her feel secure - safe. Red didn't just smell like home. She was Nicky's home.

It was only when Red moved a hand behind her head and began kissing her temple that Nicky pulled away. She saw a brief look of hurt pass across Red's face and then - understanding. Nicky was on the verge of falling apart and refused to do that in front of everyone. That was something private. Something for them only.

"Come by the kitchen later. We'll catch up," Red said, voice soft in understanding. She reached over and grabbed Nicky's hand in hers, not quite ready to break the connection.

Nicky swallowed hard and nodded. "I will Ma. I'll come by soon."

Red squeezed Nicky's hand and then let go. She started to walk away.

"Hey Mom," Nicky called after her. When she had Red's attention all her features changed.

She wasn't the angry teenager ready to fight anybody that got in her way or tried to force her to behave. That Nicky was filled with a complex combination of guilt and anger, cloaking the real fear underneath.

Nicky wasn't the pouting fearful child either, upset that she wasn't getting the attention that she was starved for. That girl had bruised feelings and a fear of abandonment that would never go away.

This was her Nicky, sweet and kind, loving and gentle. This was the girl who lived in the moments when everything settled and drama was stilled. She wasn't looking for a quick fix or expecting things to turn out for the worst. She wasn't hardening herself against the pain. She was just innocent and ready to be loved.

Red saw the gratitude and knew things would be okay. "What is it sweet girl?"

Nicky walked towards her. She looked almost shy. "I just wanted to say I love ya." She raised up on her toes and kissed Red on the cheek.

Red cupped Nicky's face and looked at her, amused at how much Nicky had grown since she'd first showed up at Litchfield. "I know you do. I love you too, Nicky, so much. Now, go catch up with your friends. You and I will talk later." She stroked her thumb across Nicky's cheek and left.


	2. Peanut Butter and Grapes

A/N: Just a little light fluff for a change. My angsty stories are killing me at the moment. Shout – out to Johanna-002 and nofearonlylove, who consistently threaten me with bodily harm if I don't feed them words ; ) Go check out allll their stories! You won't be sorry – promise

This series of one-shots was originally going to be all angsty pieces, but I've decided to put all the small moments that are Red/Nicky centric here, as well. Hope you enjoy!

XOXOXO

Nicky sauntered into the kitchen with a grin on her face. "Good afternoon to the two most beautiful ladies in Litchfield."

"Well you're in a good mood today. Laying it on a little thick though don't you think?" Gloria responded.

Red side-eyed Nicky suspiciously. "What did you do, electrocute someone?"

"No," Nicky says, holding her hands up in defense. "It just wasn't the worst day of the week. Luschek was at a nice blend of stoned and tipsy. He was almost pleasant to be around. Annnd - Piper fixed her lamp. You should have seen how damn excited she was. It was ridiculous."

"And your little project?" Red asked. She was chopping vegetables for dinner while she spoke.

Nicky shrugged. "It's hard to tell. I think I might have made it about a centimeter deeper? Slow and steady"

"Impressive," Gloria said sarcastically. These two were ridiculous. It was like the afternoon talk with your kids when they got home from school.

She walked over to red and grabbed an olive and popped it into her mouth before Red could shoo her away. "You know what they say, slow and steady," Nicky said, shrugging.

Red laughed. "You've never done anything slow in your life, I bet."

Nicky walked over to where Gloria was working. She put her elbows on the counter and rested her chin on her hands. Her big brown eyes got a little wider and her bottom lip popped out in a pleading pout.

"You know that shit don't work on me little girl," Gloria said.

Nicky started to wobble her lip a little for effect.

Gloria sighed and handed her a spoon. "Just take it," she said. It wasn't worth the struggle. She pulled back the spoon before Nicky could grab it. "This doesn't mean you won," she warned, before handing it over.

Nicky grabbed the spoon with a cheeky grin. While Mendoza just rolled her eyes and shook her head. Nicky looked at Mendoza and mouthed "I love you".

"Get," Gloria said, trying to keep a serious face. She had been spending a lot of time around Nicky now that Red was back in the kitchen. She found herself a little bit more amused by her antics each time.

She was a child and not like Flaca and Maritza, they were just immature and clueless. They were self-absorbed and sometimes their idiocy made her head hurt. They were stuck in a perpetual junior high teenage fog.

Nicky was more like a little kid. There was something childlike and innocent about her. She craved the attention, but it wasn't in the same way as her girls. Nicky wanted to know she was loved and that she wasn't alone.

The more Nicky came by to spend time in the kitchen, the more Gloria began to understand the way Red treated her. They'd talked about it a few times, just passing details here and there, but from what she had learned - it was this kind of treatment and attention Nicky thrived on.

She was a good kid, but when she let her guard down you could see that she'd missed so much in her childhood. It always seemed to kick Gloria's motherly instincts into gear almost as much as Red's.

Gloria knew that both she and Red had missed a lot of time while their kids grew up. It was also something Nicky had never had. In a way these moments were cathartic for all of them. Life wasn't perfect, but you did the best with what you got.

Nicky came out of the pantry with a massive jar of peanut butter. She hopped up on the counter next to Red and started to open the jar. Her spoon was just about to hit the creamy goodness when Red called her name. It was that quiet dragged out you're in trouble tone.

Wide-eyed and looking innocent Nicky met her gaze. She honestly had no idea what she might be in trouble for.

"Dinner's in an hour," Red warned. She'd be damned if Nicky filled up on peanut butter and then skipped dinner. Prison food might not be great, but she needed to eat something other than junk. Besides that, sometimes to push away the depressing reality of it all, Red liked to pretend that she was cooking for her family. It would be a complete insult if Nicky didn't eat the food that she felt she was making just especially for her.

Nicky dug in and scooped up a small spoonful and smiled. "Relax ma," she said nodding. "I'll still eat your dinner. I'm hungry now though. It's just a snack."

Red arched a brow at her and stared at her until Nicky started to squirm. Once Nicky started to crack under the pressure Red went back to her vegetables.

Nicky sucked off the peanut butter on her spoon before digging back in. "So Luschek told me a joke today. Wanna hear it?" she asked.

Sighing Red said, "Not particularly, but you're going to tell us anyways so go ahead. Between the two of you - I really worry Nicky. You're a dangerous pair. I'm surprised you two haven't burned down the whole damn building."

Nicky grinned. She liked getting her own way. She knew these two let her win more often than not, but it was comforting to her. She'd never had this before. Red had always treated her like her daughter, but now she was starting to think of Gloria as almost a hard-ass aunt who didn't let you get away with shit - except, well, she did.

"Okay so this duck walks into a bar…" she started, obviously pleased. She hopped down to grab one of the milks in the little cardboard containers, continuing with the joke as she came back returning to her seat.

Several minutes later - after a few more bites and half a milk carton, Nicky was reaching the end. "So the duck looks at the bartender and says, 'You got any nails?' The bartender looks at the duck confused and says 'No'."

"So the duck says…" She took a spoonful of peanut butter and before she swallowed, she finished the joke. "Ya got any grapes?" She started to laugh, but Red quickly put an end to that.

"Nicky for fucks sake don't talk with your mouthful," she said sternly.

Nicky gulped down the rest of the milk and swallowed. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and briefly looked guilty. "Sorry. But come on it's funny right?" Red just stared at her warningly.

Gloria laughed quietly, shaking her head. Red turned around and shot her a serious look. She was not joking around and didn't want the other woman to undermine her authority. Just because Nicky was allowed some leniency, when Red told her something she expected her to listen.

"Don't give me that look. That's what you're going to scold her for? You're letting her sit on your counter and eat out of the jar. Don't even get me started on the double dipping.

"This food they bring in now is so terrible, I think we should be more worried about what's already in it than a little bit of Nicky's saliva. Don't think I haven't seen your girls doing the same thing. But there's no excuse for bad manners." Turning to look at Nicky she warned, "I don't want to see you doing that again. Nobody, wants to hear you mumble your way through a conversation."

"She never shuts up, it was bound to happen sooner or later," Gloria said laughing.

"Hey, that's not always true," Nicky said. Gloria gave her 'Oh really?' look and Nicky looked down. "Okay maybe it is."

"I'm telling you Red if my boys acted like that…"

Nicky closed the peanut butter lid and hopped down from the counter. "Okay ladies," she said, a little louder than needed. Trying to break up an argument between these two was impossible, she just wanted to get out of the line of fire before they started. "That's my cue. It's been a pleasure," she said, putting her putting her spoon in the sink.

"Rinse it," Red warned.

Nicky did as she was told and then put the peanut butter back in the pantry. She walked over to Red before leaving and kissed her on the cheek.

"Nicky," she called after her, as she disappeared out of sight. Nicky took a few steps backwards so that she could see Red. "You better eat your dinner young lady," Red warned.

"I know. I know. When have I ever passed on your cooking?" Nicky asked as she left the kitchen.

"Oh she has got you wrapped around her finger," Gloria said, chuckling. Apparently Nicky's good mood was contagious.

Red turned around and smirked at her. "And who was it that gave her the spoon?"

Crossing her arms Gloria just looked at her. The both broke at the same time laughing.

A few moments of silence passed and Red began to chuckle. "Got any grapes?" It was a stupid joke, but Nicky had been so amused.

"Hey, it's better than your eggplant joke," Mendoza replied.

Red turned around and pointed her knife at her. "Watch it Mendoza, the eggplant joke is fucking funny."


	3. I Chose You

"Nicky?" Red asked, softly. She was standing outside the younger woman's cube. Normally she wouldn't hesitate just walking in, but something had been different between them ever since Nicky got back and she wasn't sure anymore.

Nicky looked up from the book she was squinting at. She marked the page and set it aside. She looked at Red questioningly when the older woman didn't say anything more.

Silly vain girl. Red had told her she needed glasses, but she would hear none of it. "Can we talk?"

Smirking Nicky shook her head. "Not if you keep hovering out there. Get in here." It was a little unnerving to see Red so skittish. She knew over the last few weeks Red had been through hell, but she still hated it. Nicky sat up so Red could sit down next to her.

Red nodded, swallowed hard, and then sat down. "I wanted to talk to you about this afternoon. What I said…."

"It's fine, Red. Really. I get it. Cautiously optimistic is the best I can get. It makes sense. I mean I _just_ told you I was going to get clean and then the very next day I fucked it up again. I am clean now though and I want to stay that way." Nicky had dropped her gaze to the blanket she was worrying with her hands. She played with a frayed edge and refused to look back up.

Red sighed. "Look at me Nicky." When the younger woman wouldn't meet her gaze, she put a thumb on her chin and finger beneath to lift her face up. "I believe you Nicky. I believe _in_ you. It wasn't by accident that our paths crossed."

Nicky let out a bitter huff. "You sure about that, because from over here it looks like all I've done is disappoint you and cause you grief." Tears welled in her eyes and she looked away.

"Nicky," Red said tenderly. "You never disappoint me. I worry about you. I get scared for you. But Nicky, I _chose_ you. I choose you every day and you're not going to push me away because you feel the need to self-destruct. You are my girl and that's never going to change."

Nicky stood up and started pacing the room. She was practically shaking with anger. "You picked Trisha too Red. You picked Trisha and we got her killed and now…."

Red stood up and grabbed Nicky roughly by the arms. " _We_ did not get her killed. That piece of scum is the reason Tricia died." Nicky huffed, a bitter smile on her face as she looked away. "Listen to me," Red practically hissed. "That isn't on you Nicky. You don't need to keep carrying that around."

"Oh really? Cause you're setting such a good example on that one. I know I was high, but I remember what you said about her in the shower to me. Clearly you're over it and well adjusted," Nicky said, voice harsh and upset.

Red sighed and leaned against the bed frame. "She was my daughter, my responsibility. I was the adult - her mother. I should have been watching. I should have noticed. Just like it's been happening to you. I've been so scared for you Nicky. I don't think I could survive losing you again - especially not to death. I don't want to mess up again."

"That's just it though. Your guilt. I don't want to be the do-over daughter. I don't want to just be the girl you saved because you couldn't save her. You're the only person who has ever made me feel like enough, but now… I just feel empty." She looked to Red with pleading eyes, begging her to understand.

"Is that what you think? Is that why you wouldn't let me help you with detox? You thought I was just using you to make up for her. That the only reason I wanted you to get clean because of other people?" Nicky wouldn't look at her.

"I -I … I don't know. You've barely talked to me since I came back." Nicky's voice was bitter with a lack of understanding. "I needed you," she begged, voice cracking with emotion. "I needed you to be my mom - not just someone who needed me to make herself feel better."

She looked at Red, tears dripping down her cheeks. "There were so many things I wanted to tell you - about leaving here, about max, about Luschek showing up…. We never got a chance to even talk about that. Did you even know I was clean when they took me? I was clean the whole time I was in max. Right up until the end. I didn't know if I'd ever be coming back and I still stayed clean. Then Luschek showed up and it was just too much of a reminder."

They were both crying now. All Red wanted to do was pull Nicky into her arms and make her see the truth, but she knew that Nicky needed to get this out. She needed to say these things. She needed to hear them out loud. She needed Red to just listen to her, validate her feelings.

"I'm so broken Red. More than even you know. I have disappointed everyone in my life over and over again. You shouldn't be here. You should just go back and forget I'm even here."

Red reached out for Nicky's hands and held them against her chest. The girl didn't fight her, either. She was too focused on getting out all her fears and doubts. She just wanted Nicky to know she was there… listening.

"The only time you even seemed to notice me anymore was when I was high. It was the only way I felt like I could be seen. Those were the times you noticed. I haven't felt like that since I met you. That's how it was with Marka, I couldn't help but be terrified that you would give up too. I just wanted you to see me…. Trust me I hate myself for being that weak more than you do. I didn't mean to make you so ashamed."

"Nicky I wasn't ashamed of you. I wasn't mad at you. I was already a target and if that man knew how I felt about you he would have come after you too. I couldn't have that. It was killing me that I couldn't take care of you the way that I wanted."

She just wanted to make Nicky understand. If it was within her power she would gladly die a hundred times over to keep her safe. With drugs, that wasn't an option. It wasn't something she could control or prevent… she was helpless.

Nicky looked up at her with a look of pure shock on her face. "Really?"

Red nodded and cupped Nicky's face in her hands. "Yes sweet girl. He wanted to break me and I couldn't watch him hurt you. _That_ would have broken me. You are my everything. I never meant you to feel like anything else. I tried to do what I could. I threatened every single person that could have even thought about giving you drugs. I didn't abandon you. I didn't leave you. I didn't give up on you."

Nicky let out a shaky breath. "I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. That terrifies me. For weeks I've been on the edge of something and it just kept getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore." Nicky fell against Red crying. "It hurts so much," she said between sobs. "Just make it stop. Please. I'm so scared."

Red couldn't help but think how similar this was to that first time she'd held Nicky. Only this time, it wasn't drugs she was coming off of. It was the poison and lies she'd been fed about herself all her life. "I've got you. I've got you Nicky. You're okay." The harder Nicky cried, the closer Red pulled her.

Nicky's sobs faded, but Red could feel her still trembling. She pulled Nicky away from her and saw that she was gasping for breath. "Hey, none of that now. Deep breaths Nicky. You're safe here." Red guided her down onto the bed where they sat side by side.

Red grabbed one of Nicky's hands and held it against her chest. She rubbed her back as she spoke soothing words until Nicky was breathing evenly.

"Let's lie down okay? Just let me hold you for a little while." Red lay down on her side, even though she knew she would pay for it later with her back the way it was. She had expected Nicky to curl up against her chest, but instead Nicky burrowed close so that she was burying herself between Red and the mattress.

Red rolled towards Nicky a little, cupping the girl's head under her chin, as if she could hide her away from the world. She grabbed the blanket Nicky had been playing with and covered Nicky up completely. Only leaving a corner exposed enough that Nicky would be able to hear her talking.

The younger woman started to sob again, but this time Red knew that she didn't need to stop her. These were tears of relief. She just rubbed her back and every few minutes tugged Nicky against her tighter. There was no room between them, but she knew the gesture would make her feel more secure.

After some time, Nicky backed up enough so that she could see Red. "You're not going to leave me?" she asked, sniffling.

"Never," Red promised, brushing the hair away from her face.

Nicky let out a shaky breath and asked, "You don't hate me?"

"I could never hate you Nicky," Red sighed, hurting for how damaged her girl was.

Nicky looked away from Red and chewed on her lip. Red knew there was at least one other question, but she patiently waited.

"Do you still love me?" she asked, unable to look at Red. Her breathing was coming in gasps of pure panic.

Red sternly said her name and grabbed her chin to force her to meet her gaze. Before she could even get a word in Nicky was shaking her head no. She was so sure that she was that unlovable. "Yes, Nicky, I love you. I love you more than I'll ever be able to say. That will never change. We may not share blood, but you are my girl Nicky. Mine. You're not an obligation or a burden. You're not something I put up with or feel pity for. I picked you. I told you I _chose_ you. Everything we've been through over the last two years - I've never regretted that. Not once. I've never stopped being your mother. I _won't_ ever stop."

"I love you so much," Nicky said, breaking Red's heart. There was so much need in those words. There was so much trust. Red knew that Nicky handed her entire heart over to her. She would guard it with all she had. She would never let Nicky feel so lost again.

"I love you too malyshka. I love you too." Red kissed Nicky's forehead and pulled her back down against her.


	4. Falling On My Knees

A/N: Hey guys, gals, and anyone who identifies outside of binary genders. I don't know if anyone had trouble yesterday. I noticed this morning that on the website, it wasn't showing an option to move to the next chapter. It should be fixed now – so if you missed it I posted two new chapters yesterday.

You can thank Johanna-002 for the ridiculous late night/early morning posting. It's 4 am! She legitimately would not let me go to sleep until I finished ; )

Alright, you know the drill from here on out. Enjoy!

XOXOXO

It must have been just past three when Nicky crept out of bed. She didn't have any reason to be up, but she couldn't stand to just lay there any longer. Nothing she did was helping her fall asleep and she just felt fucking antsy. She'd been laying there all night, trying to run away from her own thoughts.

She considered herself to be a strong person. She knew how to deal with shit. Okay - that might be a lie. What she did know how to do was deflect and distract and deny. When that wasn't available there was humor and banter and sex. There were always words to fill up empty silences.

Silence was the worst. Her childhood had been filled with silences. She had nanny's but even they couldn't always be there to bring life into her world - to fill in the gaps that her mother left in Nicky's life.

Nights had always been the worst. When it was quiet and still sometimes Nicky felt like she was the only one left in an abandoned world.

" _Nicole, listen to me. I called your mother - she's on her way. She'll be here soon."_

" _Why can't you stay? Where are you going?"_

" _It's my daughter - my little girl. She's having her baby and they're taking her to the hospital."_

" _Paloma, I thought I was your little girl?"_

" _Oh little owl, of course you are, but this is different. This is my family. I need to be there for her."_

 _A car honked from the driveway. "Oh that's my sister, she's driving me. I have to go. Your mother will be here soon. Lock the door behind me Nicky and don't let anyone in."_

 _Nicky sat on the stairs for almost two hours before she realized Marka wasn't going to show up._

She prided herself on not needing anyone. She'd had enough practice in her life that maybe she even had herself convinced. But the idea of so much silence and loneliness was always too much. The idea that no one was ever coming home - coming back... She shook her head as if that would make the creeping feeling of old wounds disappear.

It was the fucking silence. Her emotions were nearly unbearable. She was angry. She was drowning. There was too much in her head. Too many feelings that she couldn't contain. There was nothing she could do about it except move. _Angry_ she repeated to herself once more. It tasted odd in her mouth - like a truth that wasn't real - but it was the only thing she had to hang onto.

Nicky grabbed the blanket off her bed and wrapped it around her shoulders. Quietly she padded her way down the aisle of the dorm. She stopped just outside of Red's cube and started at her longingly. The anger she'd been feeling began to melt away. It twisted into something like need.

She shoved all that away and pride began to fill the void it left behind. If Red wanted space she would give it to her. It was not a matter of accepting what had happened in a reasonable manner. Nicky was just too prideful to go crawling back when Red had clearly wanted her to go away.

She was not that weak. That one moment of hesitation and her resolve nearly crumbled. She hugged the blanket tighter around herself and kept walking. She was so tired. She hadn't slept for days and it was dragging her down. Her emotions were raw and her thoughts were plaguing her worse than ever.

Nicky was very self-aware of her own faults. She'd be the first person to point them out and have a good laugh about them. This time it had just been different. It wasn't _only_ her faults that she was facing. It was the same damn insecurities she'd felt her whole life. She had always refused to deal with them. If she didn't think about them they weren't real…. right?

Not knowing where she was going, Nicky headed towards the kitchen. Maybe she just needed some water. It wasn't about the kitchen. Her head was hurting and it most definitely wasn't because of how hard she'd been crying just a little while ago. She was just dehydrated… plus, she'd skipped dinner. Just a drink. Then she'd go back to bed.

On her way out of the dorms she ran into Fisher. Nicky was normally more careful than that. She knew how to sneak around and not get caught. She had just been lost in her own thoughts and rationalizations.

"Shit," Nicky said, as her features dropped in defeat and she shook her head in desperation. "I was just going to get some water." She shrunk down in frustration. "I swear I'm not up to anything. It's just, I've got this headache and I thought maybe if I got some water..." she trailed off knowing that it didn't matter why she was out of bed.

The young guard just gave her a questioning look. That was the thing about Fischer - she listened to them. She was Nicky's favorite CO, by far. Which is exactly why Nicky couldn't lie to her.

Nicky gave her a weak smile. "The water part was true," she said, shrugging like the chided child she felt she was.

Fisher just nodded her head in understanding. "Fights with moms are the worst, aren't they?"

"You uh, know about that, huh?" Nicky rubbed the back of her neck anxiously. She started looking around, anywhere but at the CO. It was a sore spot and she didn't even want to think about it let alone talk about it.

Fischer smiled at her sympathetically. "Not a lot of secrets around here. You know when my mom and I fight, she just cries… a lot. Then I always feel guilty and we end up just pretending that nothing even happened. Not very healthy if you ask me, but that's just how things are in my family, I guess."

Nicky nodded. "Red just goes all Norma on me and won't say a word for days, that's generally after the lecture. If you haven't noticed, I-I … I don't do so good with the not talking. Now Marka, she did nothing but talk. That was more than enough punishment. With her, silence would have been a fucking blessing."

"Is Marka your mother?" Fischer asked, genuinely curious. She leaned against the wall casually. She liked Nicky, but she'd always been curious about her story. Most of the prisoners were pretty open about why they were there, but Fischer was always curious about what their lives were like before.

Nicky scoffed. "There was a time in my life when I thought she was. Hell, maybe there was a time in _her_ life that she thought she was, but to be honest Red's the only mom I have. And look at me, I even manage to fuck that up on a regular basis."

It sounded like Nicky had seen a lot of heartbreak in her life and she didn't know what to say. "I'm sure that's not true. Red cares about you a lot. Everyone sees it. She doesn't seem like the type to give up on people. Just give her a little time."

Fischer sounded so damn earnest that Nicky felt the need to run. "I guess we'll find out. This time, it was just different, but, ya know, I really don't want to think about it right now. So, uh, I'm just gonna go get that water and I'll be right back. I promise. Just, please don't ask me to go back to bed."

"Nicky," Fisher said. She sighed heavily. "The only place I saw you when I did rounds, was asleep in your bunk." She reached over and squeezed Nicky's arm gently. "If you ever need or want to talk about it or about anything, I'm here."

She gave a crooked smile. "Nah, I'll be alright. You're good people Susan. Too fucking good for this place."

Nicky breathed a heavy sigh of relief, as she walked away. Dropping her head as her adrenaline came back down. When she'd seen Fischer she knew she could talk her way out of trouble, Fischer was good about that. It hadn't been the fear of trouble that had gotten to her, it was the anxiety of going back to her bed for another couple hours.

Laying there, awake, with nothing but her own demons to keep her company. Nicky tried to chase them away with her attitude, her sarcasm, her self-deprecating jabs - she knew how to battle her weakness.

Except when it felt like she wasn't enough.

Nicky brushed an angry tear off her cheek as she made her way into the dining hall. It had been a rough week. Not that she had or would tell anyone about it. Fucking Christopher - it was all his fault.

Okay, maybe that wasn't true.

She just needed a target to focus all the anger she was feeling. She needed to stay angry. It was the only thing keeping her from falling apart.

It had started with Lorna and her damn obsession, but that wasn't fair to her friend - it wasn't her fault. She had just been the catalyst of the news and she didn't even know it. Christopher was easier to hate.

Nicky would have never known if it hadn't been for that stupid newspaper. _"Yeah, that's a slut"._ The words haunted her even now. Chaos theory at its finest. A perfect woman attends a perfect charity luncheon with her perfectly perfect adopted daughter and the bastard daughter she never wanted sees it in the newspaper half a state away.

It wasn't Mrs. Fucking Christopher that she'd been looking at. It was Ms. Marka Nichols and her brand new daughter Anastasia. How was that for a convoluted twist of destiny. Marka ends up with the Russian Princess and Red ends up with New York's finest Disappointing Daughter of the Year.

Nicky tried to ignore it. Told herself it didn't matter. That it didn't hurt. That her very own fucking mother hadn't thrown her away for an upgraded model - one she could mold into being the perfect accessory of her supposed philanthropic ways.

Marka was a true socialite and she couldn't have her image blemished by the junkie daughter that never succeeded at anything. That's all Marka wanted anyways - not a daughter, but a living breathing icon that represented her selflessness and altruistic imitations.

Making it into the kitchen was easy, it was Red's office that presented a slight problem. Nicky looked around for a few items she could make do with and picked the lock to Red's sanctuary. It only took a moment.

Going to Red's office was dumb. It was a stupid place to be, especially because she was trying to forget all about that afternoon. But she was drawn to it. She needed it.

Strengths and weaknesses - Nicky knew all of hers. She had equipped herself years ago with ways to deflect her issues. She made jokes. She distracted. She distanced. She avoided. They worked for her. It was her insecurities that dragged her down.

Nicky turned the lamp on the desk on, it's muted light casting a warm glow in the tiny room. Once more she pulled the blanket close around her, as she sat down on the floor in the corner. Nicky had a thing for corners. They felt safe.

Safe. It wasn't something she looked for anymore. Prison had been her refuge in a way. In here she knew who she was. She knew her role. She knew what she needed to do. It was simple. The routine of it all made everything less complicated for her.

Ever since she'd seen that picture she had that bottomless feeling of fear. It haunted her, no matter how much she tried to ignore it. She was nothing. She was no one that anyone wanted. Thrown out in the trash and replaced with something shiny and eager to please.

Nicky was rough, with jagged edges and chasms of broken pieces and memories that burned. She was filled with anger and bitterness, but buried beneath the surface she was more. She was emotionally still a child at times. Looking for refuge and unconditional love. It wasn't enough though. She didn't deserve it. She would never be anyone's perfect anything.

If her last four years at Litchfield had taught her anything, it was that she didn't have to be perfect to be loved. Red loved her. She knew that. It was never a question. Until now. Red hadn't even done anything to push her away, but Nicky was always sensitive to maternal rejection. That was amplified after what she had seen.

Which is exactly why Nicky had sought her out all week. She was like a child clinging to their mother's apron strings. She just wanted to be near her - pretend that she was just fine. So she'd followed Red around all week. She tried to act normal, but she knew she was doing a poor job.

She was anxious and talked too much - trying to fill in the silence so that she didn't have to stop. Didn't have to slow down. Didn't have to hurt. Didn't have to tell Red how much she needed her.

So, when Red snapped at her, she had no idea how much she had hurt Nicky. She hadn't known that she was rejecting that broken little girl. The one that she had fiercely sworn to love and protect. To _make_ her feel loved and protected. That was all Nicky ever needed and it was everything Red wanted to give her.

That fragment of a moment, when she'd kicked Nicky out of her kitchen had done more than bruise her girl's feelings. Nicky didn't know how to tell Red what she'd been feeling or what she needed. She thought she could handle it on her own - just like everything else.

Now she needed Red to know. She needed Red to tell her it was going to be okay. Nicky just wanted to feel safe again. She wanted to feel like she mattered - to someone.

Curling up beneath the blanket, Nicky cried until she was too numb to hurt any longer. At least for that moment. Without intending to, Nicky fell asleep, curled against the corner of the room. Her body had finally caught up to the exhaustion her mind had been warring.

XOXOXO

Red woke up early. Too early - even for her. Not one to laze around in bed, she quickly got ready for the day ahead of her. She had breakfast to prepare. Maybe that would take her mind off of things.

She sighed as she thought of the dinner only the night before. Red had been trying to get dinner ready, but she couldn't even focus on that. Her girl had been going non-stop and it had been happening for days. She was too short with Nicky that afternoon - too distracted to pick up on the hints she'd been given.

Yuri said he would put money in her commissary, but that hardly eased her mind. What was going on with her family? Was it all falling apart because she wasn't there? Had she failed them once more? The dark thoughts weighed on her heavily. She just wanted time to think. To find some way to make things better and maybe just a little bit of time to feel sorry for herself - this was not how things were supposed to go. She felt like this wasn't even her life anymore.

But Nicky, her dear sweet darling girl, hadn't left her alone for a moment. Red felt like she'd grown a shadow. An incredibly talkative shadow, that sat on her counters and ate the food she was making faster than she could prepare it. When she wasn't eating the food, she was asking Red all sorts of questions about what she was making and if Red would teach her some time. Nicky had never been interested in cooking before. She should have noticed that.

She just needed quiet. It wasn't the healthiest thing she could do, but she just wanted time to grieve her old life. She had let her boys down and now things just kept getting worse for them. Even in trying to protect them she had failed her family.

She hadn't meant to snap at Nicky - chastising her for sitting on the counters and then bullying her out of her kitchen. It just happened before she could realize what she was doing. She hadn't missed the betrayed and hurt look that Nicky tried to hide either. Something wasn't right. She couldn't help but wonder how long it had been going on without her noticing.

She needed to talk to her- to make things right. Wild child that she was, Nicky never let things happen the easy way. Red had decided to tempt her into a conversation with some fresh strawberries that she'd grown in the garden. Only Nicky hadn't shown up.

It worried Red. They had both taken turns at being short with each other for years. They always bounced back. She always thought their bond was close enough that it could withstand such trivial incidents. Maybe she had been wrong. There was an emptiness she'd felt since the moment she realized Nicky wasn't eating at dinner.

She had sought the girl out afterwards, but Nicky was already curled up asleep in her bed by the time Red got there. She didn't have the heart to wake her. Maybe sleep would help. She watched her with all the worried concern that had been building up. Norma just gave her a sad look and shrugged, watching Red struggle. Red sighed and nodded knowingly. It would have to wait until morning.

Daylight was starting to break. Red needed to get moving. She stopped by Nicky's cube, hoping that she might be up, but the bed was empty. She sighed heavily, more than a little disappointed.

She had hoped to catch Nicky before breakfast. It would have to wait now. Red didn't have time to go look for her until after everyone had eaten. Maybe she'd get lucky and Nicky would show up to breakfast. Surely she was hungry by now.

Red made her way to the bathroom. Nicky wasn't there either. She quickly took a shower and then back to her bunk to get ready for the day. All through her morning routine Red kept looking for Nicky, hoping that she'd turn up and they could make things right between them.

The more she thought about it the more she realized something was wrong. There had been signs of it all week, but she hadn't been focused on Nicky. Normally Nicky would come to her about her problems. Why hadn't this time? Red was worried. If she had only been paying more attention ...

It was still much earlier than Red would normally be up. The kitchen would be empty. It was the place in the prison where she felt most powerful. It was _her_ space. She decided to head over there anyways, there was always something that needed to be done - even if she couldn't start cooking yet. Sighing heavily, Red left her cube and headed to the kitchen. It was always too cold in there in the mornings. It made her back ache, but she needed to keep busy until she could find Nicky

When she got to her office she realized the gate was already unlocked.

Something was wrong.

She always locked up. It was unnerving that it had been open for who knows how long. Red glanced around the kitchen to see if anything else seemed out of place. What purpose would someone have for even going in her office? The last thing she needed was more drama to prevent her from finding Nicky.

Seeing nothing else astray, Red still felt uneasy. There was a creeping sensation rising within her and it only got worse not knowing what it was from. Red opened the gate the rest of the way and went inside.

Maybe she had just forgotten to lock it. She'd had a lot on her mind lately after all. She closed the gate behind her and started to walk over to her desk. She caught something out of the corner of her eye - a figure that shouldn't be there. She turned to look at it and what she saw made her heart stop.

Nicky was on the floor in the corner. "Nicky," she gasped. She looked lifeless. The blanket that must have once been wrapped around her had fallen to the floor. It was the blanket Red had asked Norma to make her for her last birthday.

Thoughts rushed through her mind, making it feel like time had stopped. Red couldn't breathe, head spinning with the worst of thoughts. She didn't want to know. Her Nicky…

Without another moment's pause, she rushed over to her girl. Red dropped to her knees, ignoring the pain, and cupped Nicky's face. "Nicky," she said, voice cracking. Her skin felt cold in her hands. She repeated her name but with more force.

Back against the wall, Red pulled Nicky into her lap. Nicky's head fell against her shoulder. She rocked her in her arms, tears running down her cheeks. Leaning down she kissed Nicky on the forehead, sobbing her name.

Nicky let out a broken whimper and wiggled away from her, waking up. She flinched out of Red's grasp before she realized who it was with her. Red cupped Nicky's face, trying to steady her crying.

Shaking Nicky's face firmly, she pleaded, "Tell me you're okay?"

Nicky stared at her for a moment, she was awake now and the feelings of the past week all came flooding back.

"I'm fine Red," she said shortly, before pulling away. She couldn't do this now. It was too late. Red had made it clear that she was barely even an afterthought. Nicky had hated herself for not seeing it earlier. She wasn't significant to anyone. She never would be.

She had thought that without the drugs things might have been different. She had been turning to them for so long that she'd almost forgotten what it had been like before. Then she saw that article about Marka and realized the drugs were only a distraction from the truth. She had never been enough - even when she tried.

She was too broken for anyone to claim her as their own. She had thought things were different with Red. She thought she had found someone who loved her. Now, she didn't know what to think, but she knew exactly how she felt. It felt like Marka … like Red only cared about her when it was convenient. Except that it was worse than Marka, because Red had made her believe she could be more.

"Nicky, tell me what's going on. Why aren't you in bed?" Red asked. She moved to brush the hair out of Nicky's face, but stopped when she saw her tense up. "Please, malyshka, talk to me." she pleaded. "Tell me what's wrong. Did someone do something to you? Is there something I need to take care of?" Red was lost. There was something seriously wrong. Nicky was pulling away from her and she didn't know why. Surely this wasn't just about snapping at her.

Nicky shook her head and looked away, staring at the wall. She clenched her jaw and willed herself not to cry. "Nothing's wrong. There's nothing to tell." What was the point in talking now? It didn't matter. None of it mattered.

"Bullshit Nicky," Red said, grabbing the younger woman's hand. She needed something to hold on. She was so afraid that Nicky might bolt and she wouldn't have another chance to talk like this. Nicky didn't pull away, but she didn't respond to it either. Her arm just hung limply between them, only being held up by Red's grasp on her.

Red just shook her head. "You look terrible."

Nicky just scoffed at her words. "Well you know what they say, 'Go Big or Go Home' and since I don't exactly have a home to go to at this point in my life…" She looked at Red and shook her head, trying to look convincing. "There's nothing wrong. Everything's fine."

"If nothing's wrong then why did I find you in here asleep? I know there's been something going on all week, but I don't know what it is. You need to tell me what it is, because I don't believe what you are saying." Red knew her voice was morphing into anger, but she was angry. There was something wrong with her baby and she didn't know what to do.

Nicky was a very skilled liar. It came with the junkie lifestyle. There was nothing coming to her now though. How could she explain to Red what she was doing in here without telling her the truth. She couldn't even lie well. She started to doubt everything. Was anything in her life real?

Was she?

She was in such a state of fear that she started to emotionally shut down. She looked at Red with an empty look in her eye. She didn't even feel her head turn. One moment she'd been looking at the wall and then Red was in front of her. Nothing felt real. Not even the pain.

Red saw the emotion leave Nicky's face. "Nicky," she said harshly, trying to bring her back from whatever defensive mechanism that was going on. She knew it wouldn't be easy getting Nicky to drop her walls, but this was the worst she'd ever seen.

Nicky heard Red, but she sounded so far away. She felt like she was just floating there in somewhere in between. She was sitting on Red's office floor, but at the same time she wasn't. She was just numb.

"Nicky, dorogoy, please let me in. You're safe with me," she coaxed gently. She was flailing around blindly on the emotional spectrum. She had never seen Nicky so lost and she didn't know what it would take to bring her back to her. She wanted to just hold her close, but knew that Nicky wouldn't accept that.

Nicky looked at her and her face melted into one of pain. She opened her mouth several times trying to formulate her thoughts into words. She chewed on her bottom lip, looking into Red's eyes. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. It doesn't matter."

Red pulled Nicky's hand to her chest and held on to it. "Of course it matters. I know now that I've been neglecting you lately, but I'm here now. Please don't shut me out."

The younger woman wanted to jerk her hand back, but she couldn't. Despite knowing how unwanted she was, Nicky still wanted to be wanted. She could feel herself trembling and the emotions bubbling within. She could only stay strong for so long. The way this had gotten drawn out and turned into such a big deal made Nicky feel even worse.

Admitting the truth about Red's feelings - everyone's feelings, was bad enough, but to have to then explain why she was so upset was even worse. She was hurt and she didn't want people to know how much. She didn't want Red to know how much she needed her. With Red not reciprocating her feelings it was just embarrassing.

Nicky rubbed her face with both hands, trying to center herself enough to be convincing. "Look I was a little upset. I came in here to get away from everyone. I must have just fallen asleep. I'm fine now though, so can we please drop this?" Nicky asked.

She almost sounding convincing. That worried Red, Nicky was trying extremely hard to cover this up. Red could always see right through Nicky's words, but now she was starting to doubt her own abilities. Was Nicky getting better at shutting her out or had she started to lose the connection she felt for her with all of her distractions recently.

"Okay," Red said quietly. "You don't have to tell me, but I'm here when you're ready." She rubbed her thumb against Nicky's hand that she still held. "When I saw you here, lying on the floor so still and sickly looking, I thought something terrible had happened."

Nicky shook her head and looked up at the ceiling, not wanting to have this conversation. "Like drugs?" she asked bitterly, knowing she had failed the other woman more than once. She would never be able to prove herself.

Red hated that response. It was always Nicky's go to. Read was only so hard on her because she loved her. Why couldn't Nicky ever trust in that. "No, like death. Drugs we can deal with, but if you had been taken from me…." she trailed off.

Nicky interrupted, "You'd be a hell of a lot better off and not have someone else's problem to deal with?" Her words were like poison, tainting everything they'd built together. All of Nicky's fears and doubts were tied up in that way of thinking.

Red began to put the pieces together and understand how Nicky was upset, but she still didn't know why. That could wait. Most importantly she needed Nicky to just hear her. She needed to cement the words inside her head so that she would never need to doubt them.

"Nicky, I need you to listen to me." She grabbed Nicky's face in her hands once more. She leaned forward with a deadly stare. "You listening?"

Nicky nodded, tears building in her eyes. She knew, even if she wasn't her daughter, to not fuck around when Red looked at her like that.

"Good, because it seems that over the past few years you haven't been listening to a word I've said. You, my girl, are not someone else's problem. You are my child. _Mine_ ," she said practically growling out the final word. "We deal with things together and we don't play games with one another," she said. She could see Nicky's resolve weakening and pressed forward. "There is nothing you can tell me that will make me stop loving you. You need to tell me what is going on though. We deal with things together - always."

She started crying and Nicky shook her head no. It was too much. Those words were too much. Her stomach had dropped the moment read had said 'mine'. Her mind was telling her it was all lies, but her instincts were telling her to let go of her fears.

Nicky began trembling. Not just her hands, but everywhere. Red hated it. She just wanted to fix everything for her. She waited. She had said what she could to Nicky. She needed to give her time to absorb it.

It was as though she couldn't break her gaze with Red. She wanted so much to fall into her arms, but she was afraid to move. In that moment, with Red looking at her, she felt it. She could see how sincere Red was. She could see how much she thought Nicky mattered. It was everything she'd wanted, but if she looked away it would all be gone. "I don't know what to do," she said, each word breaking with fear.

Red tilted her head and looked at her softly. "You come here and let me hold you and you tell me what's really wrong. You tell me how you're feeling and what has you so scared. You tell me how wrong I was for neglecting you and how much that hurt." She opened her arms and urged Nicky to come into them.

Nicky nodded her head yes, but didn't move right away. Tears started to fall, but she just needed to see that look in Red's eyes for just a bit longer. It was the only thing she was holding on to in that moment.

Nicky looked absolutely crushed. There was so much emotion in her eyes that it was physically hurting Red. She watched the transformation of her silence and stillness turning into words and brutal emotion.

"Marka adopted a new daughter," she said between gasps.

Nicky fell against her. Red settled Nicky in between her legs and draped them across one of her own so that Nicky could lay against her. Nicky quickly buried her face in the crook of her shoulder and neck. Red could feel Nicky shaking still and started to rock her gently. "I've got you, sweet girl. It's going to be okay."

She cradled the younger woman against her, hoping to provide the comfort she deserved. No child should feel as broken as she did. It made her blood boil to think of how undeserving Marka was of Nicky and all the heartache she had put her through. Red reached for the Nicky's blanket and with great care wrapped it around her. She pulled her closer wanting to ward off the emotional cold as much as the blanket would help with the physical cold.

"You're safe here Nicky. I'm not going to let go until you're ready," she promised. Her voice was gentle, even gentler than she was used to. Nicky always managed to bring out emotions and tenderness that she didn't think she was capable of. It was this girl though that had shown her how much love she had to offer.

Red kissed the top of Nicky's head and continued to rock her safely. Nicky had stopped shaking and was slowly starting to come back to her from all the emotions she was reeling from. Her hand was tangled in Red's shirt, clutching the fabric as though Red might disappear if she didn't hold on.

Nicky hadn't felt this way in a long time. She didn't know if she'd ever felt this way. Everything was just safe. She was loved. She had been so scared all week. Every doubt Marka had ever instilled and every bit of self-loathing that Nicky felt had hit her full force. She knew Red loved her. She could feel it. She couldn't imagine what she had been thinking the day before. Red wasn't a mind reader, as much as she seemed it at times. Nicky hadn't even told her she was upset, let alone why she wouldn't let Red out of her sight. Now it all felt so foolish.

Nicky pulled her head back a little and rested it solely on Red's shoulder as she spoke. "Lorna had a newspaper with Christopher in it. I looked at it and Marka was in an article with her newly adopted daughter." She sniffled a little and sat up. "I don't mean that you're not enough. It's just… Marka, ya know?"

The older woman nodded well aware of how Nicky felt about both her and Marka. "I know," Red said sadly. "Is that why you've been my shadow all week? You needed me and I am very sorry that everything happened the way they did." She brushed the hair off of Nicky's face. She continued to stroke it softly as she spoke. "Why didn't you just tell me?" Red asked, feelings a little bruised that Nicky hadn't trusted her.

Nicky sat up and shrugged. "I was embarrassed. She doesn't care about me - at all. She replaced me…. Like I was some piece of broken equipment. She just went out and bought another one."

"Nicky," Red chided. "I don't know what Marka thinks, but you _know_ you are better than that. She's a fool for not seeing what a beautiful wonderful girl you are."

Nicky shrugged. "I hurt her too. Especially with the drugs. She just ... "

It was too much. Red couldn't bite her tongue on this even if maybe she should have. "Abandoned you when you needed a mother most?" Whether Red liked it or not she did care what her mom thought. It was a harsh reality, but Nicky was never going to have the relationship Nicky needed with Marka. Red refused to sugar coat things for her, it only ever hurt Nicky in the long run.

Red finally understood all that had been going on with Nicky emotionally. Nicky hated her mom, but it was still her original source of pain and what made her feel worthless. This news of a new daughter could only have tainted Nicky's already low opinion of herself. "Whether you hurt her or not. Whether she is a good person, which I doubt very much, or a horrible one, there is no excuse."

She lifted Nicky's chin up and waited until Nicky was fully focused on her. Eyes locked, and a hint of anger in her voice, Red spoke, "She was a terrible mother Nicky." Red _needed_ to make Nicky understand that none of it was her fault. There was nothing wrong with her.

Nicky nodded, but couldn't speak. Red's intensity left no room for argument and made Nicky question everything she'd ever believed. She lay back down against Red, feeling small and insecure. "I was a pretty shitty daughter too, though. I think I'm broken."

Kissing Nicky on the top of her head once more, Red gently covered Nicky's hand on her shirt and began to rock her once more. "You're a wonderful daughter. You're just too hard on yourself. You need to do your part though and start coming to me with things and not just bottling them up. You have to talk to me. You have to let me in. All the time, not just when it's easy. If I'm busy or distracted, you come to me regardless. You tell me you need me. I will never turn you away."

Nicky nodded, knowing Red was right. They were so good together. Things always just seemed to fit. "I want to be good for you. I want to be better than I was with Marka, even before I knew she didn't love me. I couldn't handle you leaving me."

Red's heart broke at hearing her daughter's. "I'm not going anywhere. You bring me so much joy, even when you're being a pain in my ass and getting into trouble. You couldn't get rid of me even if you tried. I won't let you push me away because that woman has made you feel like you don't deserve love."

She felt Nicky curl her body more tightly around her. She didn't want to believe the words, because if they ever turned out to be untrue it would destroy her. This moment was everything to her. Red was so sincere in everything she said that Nicky was getting lost in the truth.

"I can't begin to tell you how amazing you are." Red said, rubbing Nicky's back. "And Nicky?"

"Hmm?" Nicky responded.

Red could feel her own tears falling. "You," she had to stop, her voice breaking down too much. "You are _so_ loved sweetheart, so loved."

Red felt Nicky tremble at the words and knew they had served their purpose. Nicky wrapped her arms tighter around Red and started crying once more. "I love you mommy," she said, voice quivering.

"Shh, I know you do," Red said, smiling widely. "Shh," she coaxed, wanting Nicky to be able to calm back down. "I've got you. You're safe," she promised.

They stayed like that in silence for several minutes. Red knew they would have to get up soon and she could already feel Nicky's body relaxing and well on its way to falling back asleep.

"Nicky," she said, stirring the girl from her sleepy thoughts.

Nicky buried her face closer to Red, not wanting to get up yet. She needed this so much. Everything felt like it hurt just a little less. She knew it wouldn't happen instantly, but this was an amazing start.

"When you picked the lock to get in here, you better not have broken it doch. Don't think you're going to get away with it. I'll make you go to Caputo himself to get me a new one."


	5. Hair Ties

A/N: Okay so this just kind of happened. And then when I thought I was done it happened more. Everyone's a bit OOC here, but it couldn't be helped – my brain wasn't cooperating on that front. You've been warned: Nicky's too soft, Red talks too much, & Alex is too open. Although, Piper has horrible timing and is a general pain in my ass (but I still love her!). Anyways, hope you all enjoy. Let me know what you think? Thanks! Shoutout to Johanna-002 and nofearonlylove for their continued persistence that I get my ass in gear.

XOXOXO

Red stood at the end of the table and surveyed each member of her family. As suspected Nicky was not amongst them. She hadn't seen her girl in line, but thought maybe she had just skipped. It wasn't like Nicky, but stranger things had happened. She had missed breakfast before, but something felt wrong.

"Where's Nicky?" she asked, gruffer than she'd meant to sound.

Lorna shrugged as she swallowed a mouthful of eggs. Everyone looked equally unsure, shrugging, shaking their heads, or staying silent. It was Alex that finally spoke up. "I haven't seen her since last night. Maybe she's still in bed?"

Red looked immediately to Norma. Norma gestured that it was possible. Nicky had still been in bed when she'd left.

Piper sat up straight and looked like she was about to raise her hand. "I can go check if you want?"

Red shook her head. "No. It's okay. I'm headed that way anyways." It was a complete lie. Everyone at the table knew it. Red knew that they knew. No one said a word. When it came to Nicky all rules and normalities were thrown out the window.

Red was halfway through the dorm when she heard Nicky coughing. A part of her was relieved that she was just in bed and not in some sort of trouble. Nicky had a knack for getting herself into trouble with that mouth of hers. Red had known something was wrong - she was happy to find out that it was something manageable.

"You sound like shit," she said, as she entered Nicky's cube. She sighed at the side before her. As tough as she pretended to be, it always took Red by surprise at how small and innocent Nicky could look when she let that facade melt away.

Nicky was curled up under her covers, as well as a very familiar crocheted blanket. Red wanted to laugh, but tried not to. She couldn't mask the amusement in her voice though as she spoke. "You have enough energy to get out of bed and steal my blanket, but not enough to let me know you're sick?"

Curling herself even smaller than she already looked, Nicky buried her face in her pillow. She didn't feel good enough to try to act tough. "I got cold," she offered weakly. She didn't mention that it was for comfort just as much as it was for warmth. That was something she never learned how to ask for or even accept. So many years of being ignored taught her that asking for comfort or attention was selfish and unacceptable. Logically she knew that wasn't true, but she no longer had the courage to try.

Nudging Nicky closer to the wall, Red sat down next to her. She reached over and brushed sweaty locks of hair away from Nicky's face. She didn't miss how hot the girl was. "That's because you're running a fever. Why didn't you come and get me? Or at least send Norma to get me this morning?"

Nicky let out a small whimper as Red's hand brushed against her skin. This wasn't like her. She was normally a dope up on cold meds and push through it kind of girl. Now she was holed up in bed, miserable and whiny. She ignored Red's questions. Even if she'd had the energy to explain, it wasn't something she liked to talk about. Red always got so mad when she talked about how Marka had raised her and she didn't have the strength to calm her back down.

"Do you want me to take you to the nurse? We can get some medicine in you that will help." Red had a feeling Nicky wouldn't go, but she had to ask. Nicky seemed to hate being anywhere near the medical unit. She always wondered if it had something to do with her surgery, but it never seemed like a good time to ask.

The younger woman coughed hard and shook her head no. "I've got medicine," she said, gesturing behind her.

"And when was the last time you took any?" Red asked knowingly. Nicky was never one to take good care of herself.

Nicky pulled the covers up higher and mumbled her answer behind them. When Red pulled the covers away from her and gave her a look that said, 'you better tell me right now' Nicky answered her. "Last night before bed." She pulled the covers back up, as though it might shield her from Red's disappointment.

Red sighed and stood up, going over to find the medicine. She returned with a little plastic cup full of horrible smelling cherry-red syrup. She set it on the floor next to her as she sat back down. She helped Nicky sit up, doing most of the work herself. "Let's get this in you. You have to actually take it for it to help Nicky." Red rubbed her back as she handed Nicky the medicine.

Huffing in frustration, Nicky looked at Red with a look that was pure 'I don't wanna' pout. She didn't argue though and tossed back the medicine in one swift motion. She shivered in response and then flopped back down on the bed. "That stuff tastes like shit." She rubbed her arms that had broken out in goosebumps and glared at Red.

Red ignored Nicky's antics. After raising three boys she knew better than to engage in the sulking. Despite the idea that boys and men were stronger they made the absolute worst patients. Nicky's moping was nothing in comparison. "Do you want me to help you to the showers?" she asked. "You'll feel better if you get cleaned up a bit."

Nicky groaned in response. It was a definite no. She shook her head to further make her point. When she met Red's gaze she froze. She had never noticed Red look at her that way. It was so intense and full of concern. Nicky furrowed her brow, trying to figure out how to respond.

Before Nicky could do or say anything else, Red broke their gaze. She hated seeing Nicky sick. There wasn't a whole lot that she could do for her physically. Fetching her medicine was probably the most useful she could be unless Nicky let her help with anything more.

"Maybe I should let you get some rest then. I'll come back and check on you when it's time for more medicine. Once more she brushed Nicky's hair away from her face. "I'll make sure one of us checks on you regularly. You let me know if you need me."

As Red started to move, Nicky grabbed her wrist to stop her. "Stay?" she asked, sounding more childlike than Red had ever heard her. She had panicked at the thought of Red leaving. Even if she had told herself she would never ask for comfort again, she had just reacted.

Unable to respond verbally. Red nodded and caressed Nicky's cheek with her thumb. Nicky seemed to instantly relax under her ministrations. "I'll stay Nicky," she finally got the words out. It was so rare that Nicky let her in like this. It was so rare for Nicky to show that she _needed_ anything from anyone. Even if she wanted to, Red would never be able to deny her anything.

Nicky started coughing once more and held her side in pain. Red knew exactly what the problem was. "I'll be right back," she promised. "I just need to grab something." Quickly moving to her own cube, she came back with the little crocheted pillow that matched her blanket and a book under her arm.

Setting the book near Nicky's feet, Red pulled the blanket down off of a still coughing Nicky. She lifted her arm and slid the pillow against her stomach. Red took Nicky's arm and wrapped it around the pillow. "Hug on to that when you cough," she instructed, as she covered Nicky back up. "It should relieve some of the strain on your muscles."

She had wanted to tuck her in, but resisted. She was afraid that if she babied her too much Nicky would send her away. She stroked Nicky's hair repeatedly, hoping that it would be enough to bring some comfort.

The next time Nicky coughed, the pain wasn't as bad. The pillow worked and she noticed the smug look beaming on Red's face. "Thanks," she said, voice hoarse and crackly. She noticed how Red was sitting and knew it couldn't be comfortable. Nicky sat up so that they could readjust.

"Nicky," Red scolded, not realizing what she was doing. "You need to stay in bed."

Nicky nodded knowingly. "I know, but I'll rest better knowing that you're comfortable and not perched on the edge of my bed. Come here," she said, patting the spot on the bed where her head had just been. She scooted down the bed so that there was enough room for both of them.

Red smiled at her and shook her head amused. "I was fine, but thank you." She grabbed her book and moved to the spot Nicky had made for her. She knew Nicky asking her to stay had a been a feat for the girl, but now this too. It was more than she had expected. Red had seen Nicky through sickness before, but outside of that first night, when Nicky had been detoxing, she had never sought out or allowed so much closeness.

"Mmhmm," Nicky said sleepily. Without thinking about it or hesitating, she lay back down and put her head in Red's lap. Her head rested on Red's thigh facing away from her. She adjusted the covers around her and the pillow pressed against her stomach. Finally settled she lay still and relaxed.

Red's heart had fluttered at the gesture of trust. Despite the innocence of the act Red knew it was because Nicky trusted her. She reached down and hesitated when she noticed her hand trembling. It was such a big moment for her. She loved Nicky as her own, but she knew that it would take such a long time for Nicky to understand how much of how strong that was. She dropped her hand the rest of the way and rubbed circles on Nicky's back as she coughed.

Nicky felt Red's hand move to her face, fingertips gently rubbing against her cheek and jaw line. It tickled at first, but after a moment Nicky relaxed under the touch. Red's brushed against her forehead and then finally settled in a steady path rubbing from the bridge of her nose to just above her eyebrows. Her eyes fluttered closed at the rhythm and was asleep in moments.

Smiling as she felt Nicky's weight settle against her in sleep, she continued to rub. Watching her sleep, she wondered how anyone could not love her. Her heart ached every time she thought of Nicky's childhood. Scolding herself, Red pushed all thoughts of Marka away.

This wasn't a time for bitterness. Red would rather spend these moments basking in how much Nicky was giving her. Red knew that to the outside world it would look like Red taking care of Nicky, but this was just as much a gift for her.

After watching for some time, Red let the tension in her body relax. She kissed her fingers and brushed Nicky's cheek with them. Misty eyed Red grabbed her book and opened it before anybody happened to see what a sentimental fool she was being.

The dorms had stayed quiet most of the morning. The only real activity was when Norma came in to check on them. They'd probably been like that for close to an hour. Red was a third of the way through her book and beginning to feel the stiffness in her back from sitting up against the wall.

Watching them with a soft look on her face, Norma's face lit up and she held a finger up to Red, telling her to hold on. She disappeared and Red could hear her muffled noises in her own cube next door. Norma came back with a bottle of water and handed Red 3 ibuprofen.

Red nodded at her gratefully. "Thank you," she whispered and took the medicine. Normal looked down sadly at Nicky. "She'll be okay," Red assured. Norma nodded and with a little wave bye she left them alone once more.

Reaching down, Red felt Nicky's forehead. Her fever had broken and the lingering sweat clung to her skin. Red readjusted the blankets so Nicky wouldn't get too hot. Once she was sure there was nothing more she could do, Red picked up her book once more and began to read.

Nicky rolled onto her back and looked up at Red as she rubbed her eyes sleepily. Red seemed lost in her book and Nicky couldn't help but smile. She lay there and watched her for several moments. She felt a little bit better, but knew that was mostly because of the medicine coursing through her system. Once it wore off she would be miserable once more.

Without looking up from her book or making any signs that she knew Nicky was awake Red said, "You should be resting." She marked her page and set the book down and looked down at Nicky. Her eyes were still glossy and her skin a bit pale. She reached down and cupped Nicky's face and finally looked at her. "How are you feeling?"

"I should have taken you up on that shower offer when I didn't feel like a zombie," she croaked. She still had circles under her eyes and as if on cue, Nicky was coughing once more. She would need medicine again soon.

Red wasn't sure if her body was up for dragging Nicky all the way to the showers and back, but if it was what she wanted she'd damn well try. There wasn't anything Nicky could ask for that would be too much.

Just then a voice rang out from the outer wall of the cube. "I can help with that." Red looked up and Alex winked at her. She had come to check on them and had overheard that bit of their conversation. It was always surprising to catch the two of them in such a tender moment. It made her miss her own mom sometimes.

Red breathed a sigh of relief and nodded. She knew that even if she and Alex butted heads on things at times that she was Nicky's friend. That was enough for their continuous truce and enough to let Alex help now. She didn't dislike the girl. They just had very different ideas of how to address situations. Alex did speak her mind though and that was something Red could respect - even if she didn't always agree.

"Alright Nicky, let's get you in the shower," Red said, with new determination. She stood up and began to move around the cube collecting a spare set of clothing and other bathroom necessities.

"I don't wanna move," Nicky whined as she glared at her friend. She did want to get clean, but the bathrooms were such a long way away and the thought of going through the motions of a shower exhausted her.

Alex towered over her and smirked. She didn't give Nicky another chance to argue. Instead, she bent over and scooped her friend into her arms. Tossing Red's pillow onto the bed as she grabbed her.

Nicky let out a yelp of surprise. "What the hell are you doing Vause?" She tried to climb back out of Alex's grip to no avail.

Alex stood up and hoisted Nicky around a bit until she had a better grip on her. "Get still before I drop you and we have to start all over again." Alex arched her eyebrow at Nicky until she gave in.

Nicky gave up, too tired to struggle physically or argue with either of them. They were so damn stubborn that with both of them ganging up on her she had no chance of winning. "Bully…" Nicky mumbled.

"Well, if you weren't such a little troublemaker. I wouldn't have to." Alex's tone was so fucking patronizing that Nicky would have punched her if she'd had the energy.

Nicky huffed in annoyance and looked away. "I hate you. You know that right?" It was all she could manage.

"You love me," Alex said smirking. "How many dashing girls do you have offering to carry you off to exotic places?"

Nicky laughed followed by brief coughing. "Does that crap actually work on Piper? You're a dead woman when I get over this."

Red couldn't help but roll her eyes at them. They were ridiculous. She interrupted the pair of them, "When you two are finished" There was no room for argument. Red was ready to go.

"Yeah yeah, you're very scary Nichols, but not as scary as your mom. Now shut up and enjoy the ride." She turned towards Red with a very amused grin on her face. "Lead the way."

Red took in the two girls and nodded, impressed by Alex's gumption. Maybe they were more alike than she realized. Not many people could wrangle Nicky into submission, but she'd done it almost flawlessly.

They got to the showers and found them empty as they'd all hoped. Alex set Nicky on her feet and sat down on the sink. She chuckled as she watched Nicky try to bat away Red's help. All it took was one raised eyebrow and Nicky conceded. Alex laughed gently.

Nicky looked over and saw that Alex's face was not one of mockery or amusement. There was something soft and gentle as she watched the pair. Nicky knew enough about her past to know that it might be longing for her own mother. She offered a knowing smile back. She knew how lucky she was.

Once Nicky was undressed she headed into the shower, coughing roughly into the inside of her elbow. She spit into the drain and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She clutched a hand to her side where she had already strained the muscles and leaned against the shower wall for a moment. As she hissed in pain, she tried not to think about how disgusting the shower wall was. Just because she adored Lorna didn't mean that she trusted her cleaning abilities.

"If you need any help…" Alex said, seeing Red's worried gaze. She knew Red wasn't feeble - she was anything but feeble, but if Nicky slipped or fell there was no way that Red would be able to catch her without getting hurt.

Nicky stepped into the shower and turned to look at Alex. "You just want to see me naked." She grinned and snatched the curtain closed behind her. She turned the water on and stood beneath it while holding herself up against the wall.

"Oh yeah," Alex mocked "nothing sexier than the sight of you coughing up your lungs and dried mucus on your nose." Alex didn't miss the amused look on Red's face.

More than ever Nicky was glad for the help she'd been given. She would never admit it, but she wouldn't have made it into the shower herself. Let alone make it all the way back. A trip she was not looking forward to. She could hear Red and Alex talking, but they were quiet enough that she couldn't make out the words.

"How's she really doing?" Alex asked. She knew she'd never get an answer from Nicky. Yeah she was in good hands with Red, but what the hell else was she supposed to talk about. Making small talk, for once, felt less awkward that sitting there in silence.

Red shrugged and walked over to her. "You know how she is. I wouldn't get a real answer from her even if I asked. Her fever's gone, but we'll see once the medicine wears off if it's gone for good. Other than that…."

Nicky started coughing again and they both stilled to see if she would need help. After a few minutes they heard Nicky draw up the phlegm once more and spit it down the drain.

Nodding Alex hummed in agreement. "She's lucky to have you. I know that when I get sick I still want my mom." Her eyes misted over and she shoved her glasses onto the top of her head.

Red heard the sincerity in Alex's tone and was surprised. "I think all girls are like that. There's times when I wish for my mother too. She's been gone for many years though. How long for you?"

She was surprised that Red even asked. As for as she was aware, only Piper and Nicky knew about her mom. "Almost fifteen years." Looking at Red curiously she asked. "How did you know?"

"Think of it as maternal instincts. We see pain and it's usually not hard to uncover why it's there," she said, patting Alex's knowing how much the girl was hurting. Try as she might to hide her emotions under the heavy eyeliner and stoic looks, Red understood. They all had their own shields for that in here. It was like her hair, diverting attention to something strong instead of the pain.

Alex nodded. "Tell that to Nicky's mom. I will never understand her. I'm so glad she found you." She swallowed hard and wiped at her eyes.

"I'm lucky I found her. She's very special to me," Red said solemnly. "She's talked to you about Marka?" she asked hesitantly. Red didn't want to sound jealous, but she feared that it wasn't working. There were some things she thought had been just theirs.

"Only once. When you were in medical Poussey gave me some of her hooch for Nicky. We got drunk and she unloaded - a lot. She loves you so much. I think she just needed someone to understand how scared she really was." Alex wiped at her eyes and chuckled at how emotional she was getting.

Red swallowed hard. She was such a mess during that time. All she could focus on was how she would fight back and take Vee down for good. She was alive and she thought that was enough. She didn't really consider how torn up Nicky truly was at the thought of losing her. "I'm glad she had you. You're a good girl Alex, your mother would be proud."

Alex nodded, crying openly now. God she missed her mom. There wasn't a day that went by that she didn't regret not spending time with her. She had been so resentful as a child and then as an adult she had been so busy.

"There's never enough time with the one's we love. She knew you loved her. A mother always knows," Red said, addressing all of Alex's unspoken fears.

"Ma?" Nicky called from the shower. Her voice sounded a little less scratchy from the moist heat, but it still cracked.

Red walked over to it. "You ready to get out?"

"Not yet. Um, can you help me…? And make Alex stop making fun of me," she asked feebly. She'd washed her body and managed to splotch shampoo into various parts of her hair, but she was too weak to finish.

Chuckling Red opened the curtain and stepped into the shower to help. "Kid, you're a mess," she chided. She pushed Nicky's head back under the stream of water and then began to lather the suds throughout all of her hair. She rubbed her nails gently across Nicky's scalp and the girl whimpered in appreciation.

With her hair rinsed Nicky moved to turn the water off. Red stopped her and called out to Alex for the bottle with Nicky's clothes. "This was supposed to be for your birthday, but I thought I'd go ahead and give you this one thing."

Nicky wanted to melt right there in the shower. She never gave much thought to birthdays. It was still two weeks away and Red had already gotten her something - somethings. She felt Red begin to lather her hair with something else.

"I know conditioner isn't much fun, but I heard from a little bird that you were complaining about the crap Litchfield provides," she said, knowingly.

Nicky chuckled. "Lorna?" Nicky turned to face her at Red's nudging. She stood still as Red fussed over the front of her hair and had Nicky tilt her head down so she could see the top. Nicky had so much hair that she wanted to make sure she had covered every strand.

"Of course. She was so excited about it too. That girl," Red said. The youngest of her girls was always a big source of entertainment for her - when she wasn't being a headache. "I will tell you though, that there are much better gifts headed your way."

Nicky huffed and her whole body slumped in frustration. "You don't have to do that ya know? Gifts have never really been a big thing with me." She couldn't really explain how uncomfortable they made her feel without sounding ungrateful, but she knew Red would understand.

Red cupped her cheeks and made eye contact with her. "All the more reason for me to spoil you now." Dropping her hands to Nicky's shoulders she turned her back around.

Nicky felt Red carefully run her fingers through Nicky's hair, gently loosening the tangles she found along the way. Satisfied that the conditioner had served its purpose, Red quickly helped her rinse it all out.

"Alright let's get you dried off and dressed," Red said, backing out of the shower. Gratefully she took the towel Alex was holding out for her and tried to dry off the places she had gotten sprayed.

Nicky didn't resist Alex's help this time. The floor was slippery and she was starting to feel pretty dizzy.

About thirty minutes later, they had Nicky back to her own cube. Making a quick stop by her own cube. Red grabbed a dry top and changed into it. Once back she sat down on Norma's bed and used one of her friends pillows as a seat on the floor for Nicky.

Alex left to grab clean sheets and blankets, as well as a new pillow for Norma. There were some perks to working in the laundry room.

"You feeling any better?" Red asked Nicky as she combed her hair out. She had done a good job working conditioner through her hair and without the long shower lines she had been able to give her hair the attention it desperately needed. Now the comb moved almost snaglessly through the curls.

Nicky leaned against the bed and tilted her head back so she could see Red. "Yeah, a little bit." She stayed like that, just watching Red. Her stomach was twisted into knots that had nothing to do with being sick. She still felt miserable, but now there was a feeling akin to homesickness burning its way to life.

Red's heart warmed at the way Nicky was looking at her. She quickly nudged Nicky into sitting up, knowing that this small burst of energy would only last for so long. Since the shower, Nicky did seem to be feeling better. She was clean and her clothes were fresh and very shortly her bed would be as well.

Coming back into the cube, Alex let Red know that Norma had talked to Gloria and that they would handle lunch. She made Nicky's bed and left a new pillow on Norma's to replace the now dirtied one. While she worked, Red made fast work of the rest of Nicky's hair. During daytime hours it was warm enough in the dorms that Red didn't worry so much about leaving her hair damp.

Alex helped Nicky up off the floor and onto the bed. Nicky stayed sitting up while she thanked Alex. She couldn't say how grateful she was for the help in front of Red, but both of them knew that Red honestly couldn't have done all that on her own. "Thanks stretch. I owe you one?"

"One?" Alex laughed. "I think after that free ride you got and putting up with your temper it's a few more than that." She leaned down, and in a very out of character act, and kissed the top of Nicky's head. Before she moved away, she whispered, "Let me know if you guys need any help and don't give her a hard time Nichols."

"Alright, alright," Nicky said, batting away the affection. "Get out of here," she said, shooing Alex away. She smirked at her friend knowingly. She appreciated the help and how tactful Alex had been in not stepping on Red's toes.

Red walked over to the two girls and nodded to Alex as she left. "Alex," she called out as the younger woman was leaving.

Turning on her heels Alex was sure she was in trouble for something. She had no idea what it could be, but that had definitely been Red's no-nonsense tone. Giving Red a worried look, she waited for an explanation.

Red's features softened knowingly. "Remember what I said."

Smiling gratefully, Alex swallowed hard. "I won't forget," she promised.

Red nodded dismissing her and turned back to Nicky. "Let's get you back into bed," she said, helping her lie down.

Without any complaint, Nicky let her fuss over the pillows and blankets until she was satisfied that everything was perfectly comfortable. She tucked Nicky in and leaned over to kiss her on the head.

Red felt Nicky's fingers enclose her wrist once more and chuckled. "I'm not going anywhere. Just relax now," she said tenderly. She held Nicky's scared gaze until the girl nodded and relaxed her grip.

Nicky rolled onto her side, hugging Red's pillow to her chest. She brought up her knees and curled herself against Red's hip. "Is it too late to ask for those hair ties?"

Red smirked at her and raised an eyebrow. "Would you like me to call your little friend in and see if she has a new basket for you?" She regretted the words as soon as she saw the pained expression on Nicky's face.

She knew that Nicky hadn't really been asking for the hair ties. That wasn't like her… wasn't like them. When Nicky asked for the hair ties, what she was really saying was _Will you please take care of me?_

Red swallowed the emotion in her throat. Trying to find the words that would make this moment right. That would take back the bitterness that they both knew was there. Both of them had played their part in robbing themselves of that time together. A time when they needed each other more than anything.

Wishing she had kept her mouth shut Nicky just quietly told her no she didn't want anyone else there. They both still had wounds that needed healing. This was just one sore spot of many. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up," Nicky said like a scolded child.

Sighing Red looked down at her and shook her head. "I shouldn't have teased you. Nicky. When it comes to you and me, you can have anything I can give you. Don't you know that by now?"

Tears built up in Nicky's eyes as she shook her head no. She sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth and bit down on it, trying to keep the emotions bottled up. She hated herself for having pushed Red away like that. Everything was so messed up between them during that time. Now that they were okay it all felt so stupid and pointless.

"Well then, malyshka, I'm telling you now- there is nothing I wouldn't give you, no tactic you could use to push me away, nothing I would ever stop loving you for. Nicky," she paused, sighing emotionally. She didn't understand how Nicky didn't see the truth. Cupping her cheeks in a familiar gesture, she continued, "You little girl, have stolen my heart. Never be afraid to need anything - I will find a way to give you the moon if you wish."

Nicky stared at her for a moment and shook. It only took a moment and she started crying, overwhelmed with emotion. She struggled to sit up, but managed. She didn't have the energy to actually hug Red, but she managed to fall into Red's waiting arms.

Wrapping her arms around Nicky, Red shushed her gently to calm down. She rocked back and forth slowly. She knew that as much as Nicky needed to lay down and rest, right now this was what she needed most. "You're safe with me," she promised. "I'm not going anywhere."

Nicky's emotions were so tender because of the way she was feeling. She had no defenses against letting herself feel loved because of it. She slumped against Red and just let her take control. It was all her broken heart had ever longed for and for once she didn't even try to resist or push it away.

This was something Red had longed for - something they had both needed. Quiet, caring, time between themselves, away from the rest of the world. It was not an easy thing to come by in prison. They would have to take what they could get

Even if it meant she felt terrible. The way Red cared for her, something she had never had, more than made up for it. "Thank you for everything Ma," she mumbled against the other woman's shoulder.

Red nodded, brushing her hand over Nicky's hair. She angled her head to kiss Nicky on the forehead and noticed how warm she was. "Okay, Nicky," she said gently trying to pry the girl off of her.

Nicky just hugged around her tighter and shook her head no petulantly. "Don't wanna."

"It's time for more medicine kid. I'll spoil you after, but your fever is starting to come back." She slipped out of Nicky's grasp and got another dose of medicine.

Nicky took it without the drama, but very much the same physical reaction. Red opened the bottle of water Norma had brought her earlier and had Nicky drink some of that. "Good girl," Red said, rubbing her back. Nicky really should have been pushing the fluids all along, but Red hadn't wanted to leave her.

As if reading her mind, Piper came in holding two small bottles of Gatorade. "Mendoza said to send these. She figured you wouldn't mind her breaking into your stash since they were for 'your baby'." Piper said, with air quotes and a smirk. "She also said to tell you that she's making chicken and rice for dinner and she'll have someone bring some to you guys.

Red raised an eyebrow wondering how exactly Gloria was going to pull all this off.

Piper held up her hands defensively. "I don't know any more than you do. The only things she would tell me was that she had her ways and to let you know you guys wouldn't have any trouble with CO's until Nicky was feeling better."

"Good for her," Red said, proud of how Mendoza had grown into her own. It hadn't taken her long to learn from Red how to balance it all out or how to use that position to manipulate Caputo under the right circumstances. "Tell her I appreciate it."

Nicky grabbed one of the bottles and opened it up. She chugged half the bottle in one go before taking a breath. "Thanks Chapman," she said, leaning against the wall. Piper nodded and told them she'd see them later.

"Finish that up," Red said, nodding towards the bottle. Once Nicky was done, she took it from her and set it on the cabinet next to her book.

Nicky pulled her knees up and coughed while resting her head on them. She'd finally gotten still and all the energy seemed to leave her at once.

Without even hesitating, Red sat back down on the bed. "Alright, come here," she said. She put her hand around Nicky's shoulder and pulled her closer. "You're okay," she assured, drawing Nicky against her once more.

Nicky nuzzled closer, seeking out the comfort that Red was offering. "I feel selfish keeping you stuck in here all day," Nicky said sadly. "If you need to go…"

Red grabbed Nicky's chin and drew her eyes upwards. "What I _need_ is to be here and take care of you. That's what a mother does Nicky," she said softly. She wasn't scolding her, she just wanted to reassure her. Red knew it was something foreign to her and as often as she could she tried to be blunt about these things. She always tried to make it very clear what her intentions were in moments like these.

"I just don't want you to feel like you have to babysit me or anything, you know? I mean," she hesitated and shrugged, "I'm a grown-up."

Red smiled and rubbed her thumbs against Nicky's cheeks. "Nicky, listen to me. Little girls are always little girls to their mothers. You let me worry about the details. The only thing you need to focus on is resting. I'll take care of the rest."

Nicky couldn't hide the silly grin that spread across her face and she couldn't look away, because Red held her face firmly in place. Those few words had her feeling like the child she never got to be. She knew it was ridiculous, but she wanted the feelings too last. Red didn't care if she was being immature and that suddenly felt like exactly what she needed.

She waited patiently as Nicky swam her way through the throes of emotions she'd just invoked. "You understand me?" Red asked. It would take more than one day of this kind of care for Nicky to trust it, but this was a start. She would fight for Nicky to have this as often as she could.

Nicky nodded. She looked into Red's eyes and teared up. Her breath came out in small rasps. Her brow furrowed and she began to lose control of the tears she'd been fighting off. Despite the voices in her head telling her it could never be true, she could _see_ how much Red loved her. It was overwhelming - too much and not enough all at the same time.

"Okay Nicky, okay," Red said, realizing she might have pushed just a little too far. It was all true, but it was a lot of emotion for Nicky to handle all at once. She pulled Nicky's head back to her shoulder and rubbed her back in slow steady circles.

Nicky tangled one of her hands into Red's shirt afraid that she'd somehow lose this moment if she didn't. Her other hand came up to clutch at Red's shoulder desperately. She had no words to describe how she just needed to get closer. There was no space left between them, but it still didn't feel like enough.

She could feel Nicky's desperation began to surface. Red hated it. There was absolutely no excuse for Nicky to be so afraid of being loved. What that woman had done to her was unforgivable. She had to quell her own anger and focus Nicky.

"Alright Nicky, turn around," she said. Nicky didn't budge. Red had to disentangle herself out of the younger woman's grasp before she could guide Nicky around until she faced her. She pulled Nicky's legs across her lap and brought Nicky back into her arms. "Better?" she asked.

Nicky nodded. "Yeah. A lot," she lay her head down against Red's shoulder and cried with less force. "Why does it hurt so much?" she asked, defeat coating her voice.

"You've just got a lot of pain to let go of. It will get easier. It just takes time." Red took Nicky's hand and pressed her lips to the girl's knuckles. "It won't hurt forever, malenkaya sova." She held Nicky's hand against her chest just over her heart. She didn't need to say anything more.

Nicky listened to Red's words. They didn't make it hurt less, but they gave her hope. Until then she had this. She had Red. She closed her eyes and just focused on how the rest of the world seemed to disappear. It was just her and Red.

After some time, Red could feel Nicky's tears coming to an end. "You getting sleepy?" she asked, brushing hair away from Nicky's face.

"Little bit," Nicky mumbled. They both knew that was a huge understatement. She was exhausted.

Red nodded. "Okay, let's get you laying back down. You need the rest and you'll be more comfortable if you can stretch out." She grabbed one of the extra pillows Alex had left them. She gently pushed Nicky's legs off of her and replaced them with the pillow.

She didn't want to move, but she knew Red was right. Once she saw what Red had in mind she gave in quickly. "You're staying?" she asked with curious wonder. She knew Red had told her she would, but she just needed the reassurance.

"Of course," Red confirmed, knowing exactly what Nicky needed to hear. "You're stuck with me for the rest of the night. Now lay down," she insisted, pulling Nicky down onto her lap. She waited patiently as Nicky pulled the covers up and wiggled until she found the right position. Once situated, Red smiled down at her. "Better?"

Nicky nodded. "Yeah," she admitted reluctantly. She stared up at Red letting the warm emotions wash over her. She yawned heavily.

"Close your eyes," Red said, brushing her fingers from Nicky's forehead downwards, causing her eyelids to flutter shut as they passed. She did this a few times until she was satisfied Nicky wouldn't open them again.

Nicky lay there quietly for several minutes. As tired as she was, she just wasn't falling asleep. "Hey ma?" she asked nervously. "Would you uh…"

"Would I what?" Red asked. She wasn't tired, but being here with Nicky like this definitely had her relaxed and feeling a bit lazy.

Nicky shook her head against her stomach. "Never mind. It's dumb."

Instead of arguing that nothing Nicky could have asked her was dumb, Red picked up her book off of the cabinet next to her. She opened to where she had left off and began to read out loud.

After the first few sentences, Nicky's hand pulled the book down so that she could see Red. Her brow crinkled in confusion. "How did you know?"

Red smiled and stroked Nicky's cheek, she adored her girl more than she could ever explain to her. "I just know you, now close your eyes. It's time to sleep." She gently removed Nicky's hand from the book, but kept it in her own. She squeezed knowingly as she began to read once more.

Listening to Red continue to read, Nicky finally let herself relax. The medicine was making her so sleepy that she didn't think she would have been able to stay awake even if she had wanted to. She stayed awake as long as she could, listening as Red's voice lulled her to sleep.

Nicky's breathing evened out and Red looked down to check on her. She was finally asleep once more. Red rubbed at the creases where Nicky's brow furrowed at the loss of noise, but after a moment the muscles relaxed and she slept peacefully.

"I wish you knew how much I love you little girl," Red said quietly. She knew she hadn't said it, but it wasn't the words that were important. Words didn't matter to Nicky and Red wasn't always good with them. One day she would say them and on that day - Nicky would believe her.


	6. Hush

A/N: Don't yell at me! I know it's short and not what you were hoping for. I might use this later in a story, but for now it doesn't really belong anywhere – so it is a bit vague. You can thank Johanna-002 for this one. I may have stolen a few words from her ;) Anyways, let me know what you think!

XOXOXO

Red sighed as she listed to Nicky ramble on about her day. To anyone else it might have sounded frustrated or annoyed, but it was all affection and amusement. Sometimes Nicky just couldn't shut up. Had it been anyone else she would have thrown them out of her kitchen with a harsh word or two on the way out. Well, everyone except Lorna. How do you really get rough and tough with someone carving faces onto your vegetables?

With Nicky - Nicky was just special. Red knew that she didn't hide her favoritism well and if she were asked she would have no issue saying that it was true. She loved all of her family, but Nicky was her baby. She was spoiled, didn't always listen, and almost always got away with breaking rules. She had a childlike innocence that could charm Red into nearly anything.

She walked over to the younger woman who was oblivious to her motions. Nicky was prattling on about something, hands gesturing as fast as the words slipping off her tongue. Red didn't particularly mind it, but some days it was as though Nicky just couldn't slow herself down. If Red didn't reel her back in, she'd be delirious by bedtime. Nicky had a tendency to run herself down into a near comatose state if you let her, exerting all her mental and emotional energy through speech alone.

When Red got within arm's length she tried to interrupt the manic tangent. "Nicky, honey?" The younger woman's words stuttered and slowed, while her brow furrowed in confusion. Red could see that something had managed to reach her, but hadn't quite sunk in. Her words got jumbled and she was at the point where she was confusing herself.

Red shook her head in amusement. She reached up to where Nicky was sitting on the counter and cupped the girl's face in both of her hands. "Nicky," she said more firmly.

"Huh?" Nicky asked, confusion evident on her face. She had no idea how Red had ended up in front of her and it showed all over her features. She looked at Red with such an adorable look of confusion - eyes wide and bottom lip popped out.

She pulled Nicky's face forward and leaned in to speak. "Hush," Red encouraged. She patted the girl affectionately on the cheek, but at the tender and hurt look on her face she pulled her forward once more and kissed her on the forehead.

Catching up to the moment at hand, Nicky tried to squirm away. "Eeeey," she said, scowling at Red in warning. Once Red let her go, she rubbed roughly at her forehead in frustration.

Red chuckled gently, amused instead of irritated. She placed a large pot on Nicky's lap, much to the girl's chagrin. "Go get me some more potatoes. You can help start peeling them for dinner," she directed.

Watching Nicky huff her way down from the counter and into the storage room was enough to soften her resolve. When Nicky came back, Red conceded to her girl's excitement and asked her to continue on with her story.

It didn't take long for Nicky to bounce back to her previous level of excitement and suddenly the potatoes were getting peeled at a rate that only matched her words. The faster she spoke the more progress she made. Red would have to remember that the next time Nicky needed to talk.


	7. Home is Where You Are

A/N: Okay here you all go. Hopefully I'll get some more up for you soon. Big thanks to Johanna – 002 and nofearonlylove. Without them …. Well, I'd probably actually have a lot more finished, but they keep me motivated and yell at me until I get things done ;)

XOXOXO

Nicky couldn't sleep. Every time she closed her eyes she kept expecting to open them up to her room in max. It was so bad that she didn't even want to close them at all. The only thing she could think about was how alone she had been.

Not many things scared Nicky - the list was short, but each item on it was big. Being alone and isolated was one of the top contenders. It was almost scary being back after so much time in max. Until Luschek had shown up she had almost forgotten what her life before had been like.

In max every day was the same. They blended together so seamlessly that she started to lose track of how long she had been there. Everything was becoming familiar. She was numb to any emotions she'd previously felt.

She had tried to forget everyone she'd left behind. Emotionally shutting down was a skill she had learned from a young age. It was, surprisingly, the drugs that kept her from going insane. Staying clean seemed to give her something to fight for - something to be hopeful about. Avoiding drugs had been the one thing she could focus on that wouldn't drive her crazy.

Because if she stopped focussing on staying clean, she remembered. She remembered _everything_. The feeling of being so alone scratched against her ribs and made her ache worse than any detox she'd been through. She was alone - only this time, unlike all the others, she knew what it was like to not feel that way. Before max she'd had people. She had let them in and learned to love them in a way she had never been taught.

Then he had come. Luschek had come to her trying to find some relief for what he had done. It was her fault too, but his visit was a slap to the face. She felt everything tenfold. She was _alone_. There was no hope of this being made right. She was homesick and angry and lonely - so fucking lonely. It hurt and enraged her to a degree where she didn't even recognize herself.

Her life was ruined. Even if she made it clean until her time was up. What would happen then? She wouldn't have a prison family she could just call up for support. She wouldn't have anyone. Why the fuck wasn't she doing drugs? Everything was so fucked up. At the least, they might take away the pain.

Red woke up and instantly started to listen for what it was that had drawn her out of sleep. She didn't hear snoring - thank the heavens - but she did hear sniffling from the edge of the cube. She blinked her eyes several times trying to focus her vision on the figure.

As her eyes focussed, the first thing she saw was wild hair. Without saying a word, she gestured for Nicky to enter and she slid against the wall to make room. Nicky all but ran over to Red's bed, naked feet pattering along the cold floor. It reminded Red of a small child afraid of the dark running to the next spot of safety.

She lifted the covers and Nicky climbed into her bed. Red had been expecting this visit and had tried to stay awake, but when Nicky never showed she allowed herself to fall asleep.

It was Nicky's first night back and as grateful as she was to be back in Litchfield, it wasn't enough. She needed Red. They needed each other. Nicky didn't feel safe. She hadn't for months, but now she had something to quell those horrible feelings. It was the only place she wanted to be. Red had a way of making everything feel solid and real.

They had been apart for so long that it would be a lengthy healing process for Nicky before she felt safe enough to settle in once more. The whole day seemed like everything was back to normal. Nicky was just like she had been when she'd left. She was sarcastic and mouthy, but there was humor and lightness in her eyes. It felt like everything was just as it should be. Until later in the evening.

To everyone else Nicky may have seemed just like her old self, but Red noticed the small things. Nicky was hesitant when she would never have been before. She was cautious and nervous. The closer the day drew to coming to an end, the more agitated Nicky seemed. Red knew it was fear. It broke her heart to see how much Nicky feared being snatched away again.

Red didn't know if Nicky would survive that. She didn't know if she would. Nicky was hers and it wasn't until she had been gone that she realized just how much joy the younger woman brought her.

She pulled Nicky close against her and tried to ignore her own pain as Nicky trembled and began to cry against her chest. Nicky needed her to be strong. She needed someone who would tell her things would be okay. Someone she believed. More than anything, Nicky just needed to be loved.

"You're not alone any longer Nicky," Red said, as she kissed the top of her head. She felt Nicky clutch at her nightgown desperately. Red just squeezed her tighter knowing that in this moment Nicky would never be able to get close enough to feel safe. "Hush now," she urged. "You're home."

Her own eyes were closed, trying to stop herself from crying. Her words were as much for her as they were for the bundle of need in her arms. "You're home," she repeated, reminding them both of the truth.

That managed to break through Nicky's fear. She chuckled against Red and pulled back so that she could look at her. "I am. Aren't I?" Red nodded at her, but all Nicky could do was huff out an amused breath of air and shook her head. "How fucked up is that? Prison is the only place I've ever felt like I was home."

"Nicky," Red said, drawing out her name. "Home isn't a place. It's family. It's friends. It's where you come together and make memories. You never know where you'll find it. You, my girl, just needed a little more time than most to find yours. The best part is that, now, you'll always have it."

 _Would_ she always have it? It hadn't felt like that when she had been in max. Looking up at Red, Nicky started to protest, but was quieted by Red's finger against her lips. Not yet, her eyes said and for once Nicky listened.

"You'll always have it," she said, nodding knowingly with raised eyebrows. She knew how unstable Nicky's life had always been. Nothing would ever feel permanent to her for a very long time. She would repeat herself as many times as she needed to make Nicky understand - make her believe.

"It doesn't matter what happens. Family is always with you, even if you can't see them. Remember this moment. Remember your time here. You draw from those memories when you need strength or comfort."

She could see Nicky was fighting her words and pushed a little harder. She wanted to make this personal. Something about Nicky and not just romanticized sentiment that sounded generic and flippant. "You draw from that love… and yes Nicky, you are. You are so very loved. "

Breathlessly Nicky stared at her. She didn't fight of Red's words - which was a relief. Instead, Red watched the girl before her crumble under the weight of all she had said. Nicky's eyes filled with tears and she briefly wondered if she had pushed too hard.

Nicky's bottom lip wobbled and finally she spoke. "Why does it hurt so much?" she asked, trying not to let her voice fall into a whimper. She wanted that unyielding love. She always had, but now with it laid out in front of her it was almost too much.

There had never been a time in Nicky's life where anyone had really fought for her. Not in the way that she needed. Marka was happy to fight with her and on her behalf to whomever would listen, but Marka never fought to have a relationship or even connection with her.

Everyone else in her life had kind of drifted in and out depending on their needs and wants. Prison was the first place where she had found people that were steady. Even if she wasn't close to them, the walls caging them in gave her a feeling of permanence and stability.

Now to add love to that made her lungs hurt like they were being crushed by a weight of responsibility she might not be able to bear. _She was loved._ Even thinking the words left her with an insecurity and fear. Their love and affection may have come willingly, but Nicky felt like it was more than she deserved.

She had realized a long time ago that those weren't emotions for her. It wasn't a part of the life she had been born into. Faced with the reality that they could be overwhelmed her and terrified her. It hurt in a way that felt physical. It was partially fear, but something more than that. Something along the lines of redemption - a forgiveness she didn't feel she deserved.

Red brushed hair away from her face and tugged gently on her ear. "Why does what hurt honey?" She brushed her thumb across Nicky's cheek, patiently waiting for an answer.

How did she explain it? She knew her life experience had left her ignorant to a lot of things that other people took for granted. Apparently something as simple as being cared about was one of them. "Being loved," Nicky said, feeling as if the words themselves were strangling her.

She felt grief for the little girl she had once been, the little girl that was still living within her and just as scared and wanting. It felt like all she had ever wanted were people to connect with on such a deep level.

Red cooed at her gently and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "It won't always, Malyshka. It won't always hurt like this." She couldn't even pretend to understand what Nicky was feeling, but the one thing she was certain of was that she would never brush her fears away with mere platitudes. Nicky deserved better than that.

She wasn't equipped to tell Nicky how to survive being loved - she truly didn't know. If she were being honest Nicky looked like it might kill her if she didn't get a grip on it. It was something Red had never had to learn that. Love had always been a part of her life in some form or another.

The only thing she could offer right now was stability and patience. She needed to hear Nicky's fears and be there to help her bear the emotional weight that was now hanging between them. She was so young emotionally that it wasn't anything she should have to tackle alone.

Nicky saw the determination in Red's eyes. It wasn't the soft look from earlier. It was something more resolved and serious. Something that told her that Red would fight every single one of Nicky's fears and break through all her walls. Nicky wanted to be loved, but that didn't mean she didn't have every tactic she could master in place to shield herself from that love.

In Nicky's lifetime love had only ever meant pain and disappointment. All of her instincts were to run from it, to shut it out, or to push it away. Love meant fear and pain and defeat. It was all she had ever known. The more she craved it and sought it out the harder her instincts tried to fight against it.

As an adult, in age alone, Nicky had often wondered if that was what made her so unlovable. It had become a chicken and the egg conundrum throughout her life and she had given up on finding answers. It didn't matter if she was unlovable when no one loved her anyways.

She wiggled closer to Red, hiding her face in her hands. She began to cry, but they weren't just tears of sadness. It was pain and relief all bundled into one cry of despair. She wanted so much to be loved. She wanted to be loved in a way that didn't leave her doubting or scared. She knew Red would fight for her and the power of that silent promise both calmed her and gave her hope.

Red pulled Nicky close again and pulled her hands away from her face. Holding them in one of her own. Sometimes she wished Nicky was as child sized as she acted. It would certainly make it easier to try and hold her in a way that made her feel safe.

"It's too much," Nicky said, shaking her head no. She started to squirm in Red's grasp, as if she could escape the pain she had spoken of. "I can't." Red was putting every ounce of emotion into her words and gestures and Nicky couldn't describe her own reaction as anything other than pain.

She was terrified of the weight of Red's love and she didn't know what to do with it. She felt like if she were to let go of the only barriers that kept her safe from Marka or the world that she would break. How could she possibly let Red love her and stay safe at the same time?

Red just held her tighter against herself, knowingly. She hated to see Nicky like this. Red knew Nicky better than Nicky knew herself though. Her walls were being threatened and instinct told her to run. _That_ she knew exactly what to do with. Red held her closer, tight enough to subdue Nicky's struggles. "You're safe Nicky," she promised.

Voice cracking with emotion, Red just kept murmuring words of support against Nicky's ear. "You're not going to push me away that easily," she said. "You won't be able to push me away at all. I'm not her Nicky. I'm not going to let go. I love you sweet girl."

Shaking her head, Nicky tried to block out Red's words. Her squirming turned into fighting against Red's grip, but trying to get away was futiles. She just needed to feel safe. Her trust had been broken so many times in the past. She knew Red was being honest and that all of Nicky's fears were irrational in this case, but she didn't know how to stop.

"I won't let you go," Red promised, squeezing her even tighter if that were at all possible. She fought off Nicky's struggles and kept her firmly in her girl. "You're safe Nicky. You're safe and your loved and you don't have to worry about anything else. Just let go. Let me love you. You won't break."

They struggled back and forth for about ten more minutes, though it felt like much longer. Nicky would struggle between giving in and escaping while Red moved fluidly between hanging on and coaxing Nicky down from the intensity of her fear.

Eventually Nicky slumped against her, giving in to defeat. Her sobs turned into meek little whimpers that seemed like the only thing she had left in her. Her cheeks were red and blotchy stained with drying tears. She had no fight left in her and if she were honest she was glad. The worst of it was over. At least for now.

Red knew it wouldn't be easy for a long time. She was okay with that. Nicky may resist love, but even then it was so easy to love her. Red couldn't imagine going back to a time when Nicky wasn't there with her. From the beginning Red had seen how much Nicky needed to be loved. She flourished under it too. It wasn't just healing for her. Nicky herself changed so much even if she didn't realize it.

Being loved gave Nicky hope and strength. It gave her the resolve to stop using. The desire to take care of those around her. She was happy and Red could see the depth of that every time Nicky watched her when she thought Red wasn't looking. Yes, Red was certain Nicky could move forward from the damage she'd known. It would just take time and until then Red was there with enough love for the both of them. Nicky would find her way eventually.

Nicky felt Red's grasp slacken around her. She felt a flicker of fear that now the older woman would push her away or say enough, but instead Red had begun to play with her hair and rub circles on her back. Nicky closed her eyes and felt her breath starting to calm. She was exhausted both emotionally and physically.

They lay like that for some time. Both content to just be. Sleep would come soon, but until it did they just basked in the comfort of one another. Nicky's voice broke with sleep coated words, as she spoke. "Hey Ma? I think you're mine." Trying to hold back a yawn, Nicky nuzzled against Red sleepily.

"Your what Nicky?" Red asked, brushing hair off of Nicky's face. She continued to run her hand along Nicky's face in the same gesture, hoping to bring her comfort.

Nicky had grown heavy against her. Red thought she might have fallen asleep, but Nicky began to mumble. "My home."

"Oh honey," Red said, it felt like her heart was breaking. How could anyone have ever denied this girl something so easily given as love. Nicky was the most loving girl she knew and she couldn't imagine turning her away. There was no reason good enough. Nicky deserved love more than anyone and Red swore she would always try to give her as much as she could. "You're mine too," she promised, as she herself started to feel the same sleep that had already claimed Nicky.

She lay contently for a moment just playing over everything that had transpired between them. For now, it was enough. It was a good start and she hoped that the crack in Nicky's walls that she had found would stick. In time she knew Nicky would find what she needed and believe in it.


	8. All the Words

_A/N: Well, two stories in two days! Go me! Also, don't get used to it. This one kind of came out of nowhere and late night delirious rants. I owe a lot of credit to Johanna-002 on this one. She let me ramble through it several times, gave me some pointers, and let me bug her with all the questions. Also, she gives me 'all the words' all the time, if I bug her enough!_

 _As always, thanks to Jo and nofearonlylove who put up with my crazy and write nice words as well (go read em!)_

XOXOXO

Red had been looking for Norma to tell her that the delivery scheduled for that afternoon wouldn't be getting there until the next day. When she got to her bunk she wasn't there. Red huffed and then looked over at Nicky. Her face softened instantly. It almost always did around the younger woman. She had never been able to help it, but now she no longer even tried.

Sure there were still times when she was angry at her or felt the need to scold her, but even those were different from the rest of her girls. She held Nicky at a higher level of accountability than the others, which often led to harsher words and more severe punishments.

This wasn't one of those times though. Nicky was sitting on her bed against the wall with her knees up. Her brows were furrowed as her eyes jumped around the page of the book she was looking at. It was propped against her knees and Red couldn't see what it was.

Nicky didn't look up or even seem to realize she was there. It wasn't like Nicky to ignore her presence. The oddity made Red curious and she walked over to see what story had her so engrossed.

When she saw what it was she rolled her eyes in amusement. Nicky was truly a puzzle sometimes. "I didn't know you could read Russian," she teased. She tried to hide the amused look on her face, knowing that it would probably just annoy the younger woman. She could always sense what mood Nicky was in. Petulant, argumentative, and a fresh mouth were awaiting her.

"You know I can't," Nicky grumbled with a huff. She turned her body away from Red. It was a childish gesture of faulty logic. _If I can't see you, you can't see me._

Red tried to grab the book, but Nicky shot a glare over her shoulder. "What are you gonna do with a book you can't even read?"

"S'mine," Nicky said, curling her body around the book.

Red rolled her eyes and threw up her hands in defeat. "What am I gonna do with you?" she asked affectionately. Nicky didn't answer. Just to annoy her, Red leaned over and kissed Nicky on the head.

As expected Nicky made a noise of protest and wriggled away from the older woman.

When there was no more response she patted Nicky's head and left.

XOXOXO

It had been a long day. It had been raining all day and that had seemed to drain most of the women of any rambunctious energy. It was quiet in the bunks and Red was already lying down long before lights out.

She heard bare footsteps headed her way and a heavy sigh from the entryway to her cube. She knew it was Nicky, but didn't look up at her. She had to move her book in order to hide her face from Nicky. If Nicky insisted on being difficult Red was going to give it right back to her.

There was another heavy sigh and she put her book down on her chest. "Can I help you?" she asked in a patronizing tone.

Nicky was scowling at her, but refused to answer. Apparently Red's acknowledgment had been enough permission to satisfy her patience. She padded over to the bed and climbed over Red with no concern for Red's comfort. She wanted the inside wall and made sure she got it.

In her journey to get comfortable, she managed to jab the corner of her book into Red's side. "Dammit Nicky, get still," Red growled. She had learned that occasionally Nicky would fall into this mood and the best thing she could do was just ride it out. Nicky always seemed better afterwards. She didn't know what it was, but suspected it had to do with her stolen childhood.

"You're not a toddler, despite your maturity level. Get out of my bed. You don't fit," Red griped, already knowing it was pointless.

Nicky's lips spread into a Cheshire Cat grin. "Yeah, I do." She wiggled next to Red emphasizing her point. "You just don't like to share."

Red rolled her eyes, knowing better than to try and win that argument. "What can I do for you little girl?" she asked, recovering from her annoyance and the bruise that was surely growing on her side. She looked at Nicky out of the corner of her eye, but knew better than to look directly at her.

Nicky readjusted Red's pillow until she was satisfied that she could use it too. By use it, that equated to Nicky taking up the majority of it.

"Greedy little thief," Red said, her head uncomfortably only half on the pillow.

Nicky shook her head dramatically. "Nooo. You have your own pillow," she said, pushing the small crocheted pillow that Red used for her neck when she read at night.

Red rolled her eyes and took her smaller pillow to use for herself. As much as a pain in the ass Nicky could be, it was endearing. There was something precious about it. Red was the only one Nicky trusted with this side of her. Even though it was usually playful brattyness, Red knew there was something serious and important about it. It was something Nicky needed.

Nicky put the book in Red's hands and scowled. She had to wrap Red's fingers around it to make her hold it, which only frustrated her more. "Tell me the words," she demanded.

"You're very needy tonight. You know just because I call you little girl you're still an adult?" she asked, opening the book as she spoke. Nicky had already won - she just didn't know it yet.

"Technically yeah, but only physically," Nicky responded, not caring about logic. When Red just stared at her knowingly, Nicky bucked her body in a complete tantrum. "Maaa," she whined, tapping the book in Red's hands. "Tell me."

"Alright, little girl," Red said playfully, "Show me which words you want to know." She held the book in her left hand and reached over to rub Nicky's cheek encouraging. She rubbed one finger along it and felt Nicky relax against her.

Nicky pulled Red's hand away and shook her off. "Aaaaye," she chided, out of habit. Red would sneak in affection touches now and again, but usually they were in front of everyone. Despite loving them, she'd grown in the habit of acting like Red annoyed her.

She moved their entwined hands to the book and pointed to one of the words. милая

. She liked the way it looked. Her eyes darting between the word and Red who was staring at her with a goofy look.

"Reeed," she whined and wiggled against her.

Nodding, Red cleared her throat and looked at the word Nicky was pointing at. She realized that Nicky didn't want her to actually read to her, just tell her what different words meant in some pattern that only Nicky understood.

They went this way for nearly thirty minutes. Occasionally Nicky would think of a word and ask her how to say it- usually curses or dirty words.

It was eye roll worthy, but Red told her all the same. She knew she would probably regret it, but it was humorous. The curses might do some good and make her seem more intimidating, but she highly doubted she'd be seducing anyone by speaking to them in Russian.

Red had almost forgotten how odd this would seem to the rest of the world until Piper walked in. She watched as Piper's face swirled into one of confusion and dismay.

Granted the sight was probably something mind-boggling - Nicky curled up in her bed like a toddler getting read a bedtime story. It didn't matter to her though. She didn't care what people thought when it came to Nicky.

With one look Red made it clear for her to stay quiet and mind her own business. Nicky was starting to get heavy on her shoulder where she had finally settled and she didn't want her getting all worked up.

She rolled onto her side to look at the terror next to her and smirked. Nicky felt Red draw her legs up a little bit, trying to get comfortable. Nicky raised hers and tossed them over Red's thigh.

This was pushing it even for Nicky. "Am I in your way princess?" Red asked, her words melting into more annoyance than amused. She was getting tired and Nicky still seemed full of energy.

"Shh," Nicky chided glaring at her. "Tell me the words," she whined. "Stop getting distracted."

Red nodded and grabbed Nicky's hand. She went back to pointing out the words only this time she controlled which words she picked. About ten more minutes went by and Red decided it was time to wrap this up.

She pointed out words slowly, trying to drag it out and be sneaky. Maybe she could get through it all before Nicky put it together. _You. Little. Girl. Are. A. Pest. Who._

милая

"Wait that doesn't say pest," Nicky said, both proud of herself and annoyed at Red.

Red couldn't help, but laugh at her. "Alright smarty. What does it say?" Of course Nicky would be difficult about it.

"Sweet," Nicky said, unsure. Her brow furrowed and she shook her head. "No, wait it's Sweetie." For a moment Nicky sounded like her "adult" self and called Red out on it. "Aww, you think I'm sweet?"

Piper couldn't hide her own laughter at how much of a softie Red was when it came to Nicky. "Sorry," she said, covering her mouth when Red glared at her.

Annoyed at both Nicky and Piper Red shook her head. "Not tonight I don't. You're being a whiney little brat and I'm only indulging you because it's easier than listening to you complain about going to bed."

Nicky laughed knowing it was true. She was being a pain in the ass, but she couldn't help it. Riling Red up was something she couldn't resist. "Nu-uh," she said, in a sing-song tone. "You think I'm sweet." She smirked at Red.

"You're impossible. Don't think that just because you can be cute when you want to - that I forget about what a terror the rest of the time you are. I know how to punish you _Nicole_ in ways that will seem much worse than prison.

Nicky looked at her nervously and settled back down. "You little girl are a sweetie who," Nicky repeated. "What's the rest?" she asked suspiciously.

Red leaned her head against Nicky's and squeezed her hand, before continuing. _Needs. To. Go. To. Bed._

Nicky huffed in annoyance. She started to protest, knowing the message was for her, but found herself yawning. She shook her head trying to clear her thoughts. "I don't wanna," Nicky said, pouting. "Suddenly I have a fucking bed time?"

"You want to act like a child all night and push my buttons? Then yes Nicky - you have a bedtime." Her own tiredness was starting to sink in and her patience wearing thin. She didn't like to get grouchy when she was like this, but it was still an option.

Nicky crossed her arms, annoyed at herself for suddenly throwing a fit. It was definitely not helping her out in this situation. She could sense the change in her and began to settle down. Just because Red was right, didn't mean she wasn't going to argue. "You're mean, Red," she said, with very little conviction.

Red nodded knowingly. "I know. We can do more tomorrow." Nicky didn't look like she was convinced at all and Red sighed. She sat up and pulled Nicky along with her. "Come on _moy malen'kiy izbalovannyy rebenok_. If you go now I'll tuck you in."

"What's that mean?" Nicky asked, already letting Red drag her away.

Red wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "I'll tell you tomorrow."

Nicky was too tired to argue and nodded sleepy. She felt better after spending the evening with Red. She felt like she belonged somewhere. Like she wasn't just an orphan by circumstance. Red was her family and sometimes she just needed to feel that a little more than usual.

They had never had the opportunity to bond throughout Nicky's childhood and it was something that they both craved. Red sat with Nicky, rubbing her thumb softly against Nicky's forehead until her girl started to struggle to keep her eyes open.

"Thank you ma," Nicky said, quiet and sleepy.

Red smiled at the softness in Nicky's tone. She could hear how exhausted she was. "Goodnight malyshka." She stayed for a few more minutes until Nicky was asleep. Tucking the covers around her, she rubbed a thumb against Nicky's cheek and left.

She headed back to her own bed with a smile on her face. "Not a word Chapman," she said, good humoredly. She wasn't worried about what anyone thought or Piper's teasing. It was more a gesture of familiarity than warning. Nothing could ruin the peaceful mood she was in. Nicky was her joy and she held onto that dearly.


	9. The Case of the Litchfield Luncheon

A/N: You can thank Jo for getting on my ass to finish this one. Here's a little tidbit that takes place after Nicky's return from max. Technically it's not a Thanksgiving story, but it does have food and gratitude, so I figured what the hell. It's a little bit of fluff – so hold your disbelief and just pretend with me that Nicky's stumble off the wagon isn't a thing during this time. I know. I know. It's a cop out and might seem like sloppy writing, but a girl can dream, can't she? Happy Thanksgiving - Enjoy!

XOXOXO

Nicky had been back for nearly a week and things were already starting to feel normal. Maybe it should have happened right away - she had been there before - but her time in max had definitely changed the way she saw things. She was in prison. This side of the fence had always felt more like sleep away camp. Now… now she knew one wrong move and things could quickly turn into a nightmare. Max was _prison_ the real kind. It was the one they warned you about, the one that you saw in movies and on tv - the one that changed you.

Her first week back she had been skittish of breaking or bending any rules. If anyone noticed they made no mention of it. Finally, she was starting to feel like herself again. She felt like she could breathe. She put her tray on the table and sat down in front of Alex.

"What's up sister? You look like somebody just tried to deck you," Nicky said, jutting her chin out at her friend in greeting.

Gesturing to her plate Alex's eyes widened in annoyance that Nicky didn't already know. "What the fuck is with the food today?" she griped.

Lorna, looked down at her plate and cocked her head curiously. "I dunno, it's not one of the usual meals." She unfolded her napkin carefully and placed it over her lap. When she noticed the weird look Nicky was giving her, she explained, "Vinnie said that when I get out of here, we're gonna have a real nice sit down dinner with all of our friends and families."

Alex rolled her eyes at Lorna's observation skills and delusions. "You would think with the return of the golden child," she said, gesturing to Nicky, "that Red would be at the top of her game."

Piper, picked at her ham with her fork and held it in front of her face. "None of it goes together." She stared at the piece of ham and wiggled her fork watching it move as though it was the most interesting thing she'd ever seen. "I wonder if they've run out of food," she questioned seemingly detached from any real worry or concern.

"I know this place isn't exactly as life threatening as max, but uh, you guys have really lost your conversational skills. Who the fuck cares? If you saw what they served down in max, you'd even let Boo do the cooking."

Boo laughed. "Hey dipshit, you think I got this big not knowing how to cook?" She nodded at Nicky in jest. She'd missed her. Nicky was the only one not afraid to get into verbal sparring matches with her.

"Touché," Nicky said with a grin. She looked down at her plate and rolled her eyes. Stabbing a mouthful of lettuce and spinach off of her plate - it hadn't gone unnoticed that she was the only one with a decent serving of spinach mixed in with the iceberg. Fresh veggies, even the broken-down shit they got up here was something she had missed. There didn't seem to be a single fresh thing included in any of her meals there. Apparently Red was trying to get some severely lacking nutrients back into her system. For that she was grateful.

While everyone else had begun to eat their food, Lorna was pointing at each item on her tray with her fork. "We got some upside-down cake," she said out loud.

"It's pineapple upside down cake," Nicky corrected. She probably should have just kept her mouth shut - good life advice for her all around - but correcting Lorna was an automatic instinct that she would never shake.

Lorna looked up at her and pursed her lips. "You don't know that yet. No one's gotten to the bottom," she said, arching a challenging eyebrow. "It could be apples or pears or carrots."

Waving her off Nicky went back to her food - some things just weren't worth the argument and Nicky didn't feel like proving her point.

"Carrots?" Piper asked. It was part curiosity and part confusion. She needed more information. Maybe it was from having a curious mind, but instead of brushing it off as Lorna's wacky thinking she couldn't help but wonder if there wasn't some hidden gem of knowledge beneath the perfect pin curls.

Alex kicked her under the table, not wanting to delve into whatever logic Lorna would use to explain a carrot upside down cake. She glared at Piper obviously, but Lorna seemed unphased.

"Well yeah," Lorna said, "they make carrot cake. Why not an upside-down carrot cake?"

Piper just nodded and realized her mistake. "Right. Okay," she said, running out of non-demeaning things to say. Nodding to Alex she silently apologized for her mistake.

"Then you got your ham, and upside down cake," she said, back to identifying the food.

"You already said cake," Nicky pointed out. Now she was just fucking with her. She had intended to refuse any part in this conversation, but now that Piper had set the conversation in motion she couldn't resist. Besides, she'd finished her salad and wasn't sure if she even wanted to finish the rest.

"You know Nichols, sometimes you can be so annoying," Lorna said. She started over. "Ham, Upside down cake, Grits, and Salad."

"Maybe it's a code," Lorna said, sounding like there was some conspiracy at hand.

"Why would anyone use food as a code? Who would even know to look for that…. And why?" she shook her head. "You're reading too much into this. There aren't any secrets around here worth the hassle of concocting that kind of espionage."

What the hell, Alex thought to herself. If everyone else was going to have a bit of fun with this she might as well join in. She pointed at Lorna's cake. "You still don't know what that one is."

"Well I guess we're just gonna have to finish eating to find out," Lorna said knowingly.

Sighing heavily, Nicky rolled her eyes. "Forget the fruit. It's just a U," she said, as she got up. This was getting ridiculous. _HUGS._ In her attempt to shower Nicky with all the welcome home love Red had resorted to measures of insanity to get her point across.

Leaving her lunch on the table she headed towards the kitchen. Walking with a purposeful determination, she crossed the cafeteria in seconds.

"Why are you being a _lunatic_?" Nicky said loudly as she entered the kitchen. "Did you hit your head while I was gone? You got some brain damage I don't know about or are you just losing your fucking marbles?"

Red grinned at her. She had been watching Nicky's purposeful approach with bated breath. "You saw it?"

"Jesus, would I be in here yelling at you if I didn't?" Nicky asked, one hand on her hip. "Hell you've got Lorna out there acting like we're in some crazy ass plot right out of an Agatha Christie novel. _The Case of the Litchfield Luncheon_."

Ignoring Nicky's rant, Red clasped her hands in front of her looking quite proud of herself and Nicky. "I told you she'd figure it out," Red said to Gloria. She had a smug look on her face and held her head impossibly higher.

Shaking her head, Gloria tossed the rag she'd been using into the sink and wiped off her hands. "Only because she's as nutty as you are," Gloria said, under her breath.

Nicky turned on her heels to look at Gloria. "You knew about this?" she accused.

Holding up her hands, Gloria said, "What? You think I have any say so when that one starts scheming? I know you've been gone for a while, but that one is still as fucking crazy as ever."

"What about you?" Nicky said, gesturing with her chin at Norma. "You're supposed to be the common sense of this gang. I take it you couldn't stop her either?"

Norma just shrugged and gave Nicky a helpless look.

Turning back to Red she shook her head. "Were you trying to start a riot?" Nicky asked, accenting each word with her hand. "This crazy ass meal you've got going on - you couldn't come up with any better combination?"

"Like what?" Red asked, challenging her to come up with something better.

Nicky looked around. "I dunno. What about hamburgers, salad, green beans, and ..." she trailed off, scanning the room for anything that would help. "Okay so the cake was a good one, but the rest - come on."

"Hmm," Red said. "Maybe I should have you come back here and make the menus."

Nicky shook her head. "Not a chance - unless you ever consider Lorna for the job. Ya know she wasn't positive that it was pineapple upside down cake? She said she'd have to eat it first because anything could be on the bottom."

Red tilted her head from side-to-side. "Well, she does have a point. Sometimes I use cherries. There are plenty of other things that - "

"Carrots!" Nicky said flatly. "She thought you might have made a carrot upside down cake."

Red started laughing. She couldn't seem to control it and soon was wiping tears from her eyes. Lorna never ceased to amaze. She was as sweet as could be, but sometimes they all wondered how her brain worked.

It wasn't long before Nicky was laughing along with her. It was good to be home.

"Tell you what," Red said, squeezing Nicky's biceps, "for her birthday, we'll make her an upside-down carrot cake. You'll help me. We'll even put little shavings of carrots on the top" She chucked Nicky's chin and smiled at her.

There was nothing but joy in Red's sparkling eyes which caused Nicky's features to soften. "Ma," Nicky sighed, "Don't encourage the crazy."

"You don't seem to mind when I encourage you," Red challenged.

Nicky squinted her eyes, but put up no more resistance. "Do you want the hug or not?" she asked.

"It was supposed to be a hug for you," Red said, cupping her face. "You don't like my gifts?" she asked, feigning hurt feelings. "Fine then. No more hugs for you then."

Rolling her eyes, Nicky pulled Red's hands away from her face and wrapped herself up in Red's arms. "Thanks ma," she said, voice choked with emotion. She didn't realize how much she still needed the kind of tender comfort that Red was offering her until she was once more bundled up in the loving embrace.

"Of course, baby," Red said knowingly. It didn't matter who was hugging whom any longer. Their reunion felt like some sort of miracle. She couldn't keep Nicky close enough. She had spent months wondering and worrying over the younger woman while she was away.

People didn't come back from max, but Nicky had. It was a gift that they couldn't have hoped for. There were no guarantees that it couldn't happen again, because it could. Every moment in prison ran the risk of broken comfort or the thievery of whatever freedom they managed to retain. In an instant, they could be separated from one another with no way to stop the heartache.

But Nicky was back. They were together again. Mother and daughter reunited despite the barriers that had stood in their way. Their time together had always been important, but upon Nicky's return they were more aware of how impacting their bond was on both of them. One day they would be free, no longer haunted by the fear of being separated. For now, all they could do was hold on to one another and be _thankful_.

XOXOXO

I hope you all enjoyed! Looking back on what Thanksgiving is truly about, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the Dakota Pipeline protests happening. It's something that we should all be aware of right now. If you're interested in finding out more or donating to some of the many sources that are trying to help them out you can find information at this website (just remove the spaces)

jezebel your-white-liberal-thanksgiving-better-come-with-a-hea-1789274456


	10. Carry Me

A/N: Post-prison randomness. Enjoy! I make no apologies for bratty Nicky. However, I do apologize for the redundancy or emotional thought process I always give these two.

XOXOXO

Red was cleaning up the remains of dinner when Nicky trudged into the kitchen of their small apartment. She put the containers of leftovers into the fridge and then began to wipe down the counters. Red smiled to herself as she recognized the fumbling footfalls that were edging nearer.

"Ma?" Nicked asked, as she moved closer. Her voice was thick and the singular word sounded like it was taking all the energy she had. Red knew that she was exhausted - they both were - but she wanted to finish before she called it quits for the night.

Dropping her head, Red tried to keep her amusement hidden. She couldn't help but enjoy the way Nicky sought her out with such shyness. There was no reason for it, but it was something that seemed to bring her daughter a sense of security and she would never deny that.

Red wasn't sure the exact moment that it happened, but she clearly recognized that Nicky trusted her more than anyone. It hadn't always been like that, even when Nicky had begun to seek her out and vie for her affections. Nicky needed a mother and Red gave her that.

They were mother and daughter for some time before Nicky finally understood that Red wasn't leaving. Granted there were still times when Nicky needed the reassurance, but she never doubted that Red would be there to catch her if she fell.

"What is it Nicky?" she asked. Once she'd collected herself she tossed the rag into the sink. She wasn't in the mood for games, but she had a feeling that Nicky was. Wiping her hands clean, she turned to face the younger woman.

Without looking up, Nicky stepped into Red's space and leaned against her. She didn't even wrap her arms around Red. Instead she let them hang limply by her sides and nestled her head against Red's shoulder.

"Go to bed," Red chuckled. She wrapped Nicky up in her arms and kissed the side of her head, already knowing that it was a mistake. A little affection and Nicky would never leave her side - at least not until Red tucked her away into bed.

When Nicky had first been released she'd slept with Red almost every night - there had been too much space, she'd explained. She hadn't been alone in years and even her tiny bedroom in the apartment felt like it swallowed her and choked her with fear. When she was next to Red she could breath.

Now it was once every few weeks that she made her way into her mother's bed. Red didn't mind. Out of all of her children Nicky had claimed her place as the baby of the family. It was a position Nicky had fought for and never intended to give up. Red had never known Nicky as a child, and Nicky had never had any sort of maternal attention. It was something they both craved.

"Come help me finish the dishes," Red suggested, knowing it was in vain. She ran a hand up and down Nicky's back, trying to offer both comfort and encouragement. Whichever would allow her to finish up the fastest. Despite her love for cooking and feeding people, she didn't actually enjoy spending all of her time in the kitchen. She was ready to get off her feet and relax.

Nicky turned her head and buried her eyes against Red's shoulder in protest. "Don't wanna," Nicky grumbled. She shook her head for added effect.

Red sighed and pulled Nicky away from her. "Faster I get finished, faster we can go lay down," Red urged. She cupped Nicky's face and waited. She knew she would win - when it came to moments like this she always did. The promise of comfort always pushed Nicky into action.

Nicky sighed with heavy dramatics and walked towards the sink. She snatched up the dishtowel and climbed on the counter sitting next to the dish drain. They had a dishwasher, but with only two of them it could take the entire week before it was full enough to run.

They made quick work of the dishes -Red washing and Nicky drying. It didn't take long at all for them to finish. Most night it was just the two of them, but they'd invited the neighbors over for dinner and Red, as usual, had gone overboard with the food preparations.

"Alright kid. Let's go to bed," Red announced, dropping her hands onto Nicky's knees. She saw Nicky bite her lip and backed away with cautious steps. "Nicky," she growled in was not a good look. It was a troublesome look. It was the look Nicky gave her before she made some outlandish and childlike request.

Nicky popped out her bottom lip and held out her arms. "Carry me?" Nicky knew it was an impossible request, but she was feeling impossible. It had been weird to have people in the apartment. It was even weirder because they were "normal" people. They didn't understand their prison lifestyle or why Nicky liked things a certain way. Sometimes it felt like she and Red had come to this place from a foreign country - because no matter how long they would be free, some habits and ways of life become imprinted on you.

Red rolled her eyes at the request and walked out of the room. "I'll be in my room when you remember how to walk little girl," she called after her. She knew Nicky would be quick to follow. However, as she made her way to her room and changed for bed Nicky still hadn't shown up.

Shaking her head, Red laughed gently. This had become a game of patience. Nicky was testing her. She wanted to see how long it would take for Red to come looking for her. Looking at the empty doorway, Red arched an eyebrow in challenge. It was time for Nicky to do the chasing. She walked to the side of the bed and turned off the lamp on the nightstand. Within seconds Nicky was standing in the doorway, tentatively calling her name.

"Come on then," Red said, turning the light back on. Nicky was too predictable. If she ever hoped to win any of these silent matches that they had she'd need to be more creative. Toddler antics no longer worked. Red hoped that she would never move into teenage rebellion and manipulation. She had been through it with her boys and had no desire to repeat it with a daughter.

Nicky's eyebrows furrowed in realization. "You tricked me!" she petulantly argued. She jerked her body in annoyance, looking like a child throwing a tantrum. She didn't care how ridiculous she looked - a grown woman acting with a severely degressed level of maturity. This was the place and the person where she could freely explore things she'd never known as a child.

"Mhmm," Red agreed. Ignoring Nicky's antics, she pulled the covers down and slid into bed. "I'm too tired to play games Nicky. Come get in bed." She patted the spot next to her. Despite her feigned irritation Red loved that Nicky still sought her out when she needed to. It was a bond that she cherished and never wanted to lose.

Trudging over to the opposite side, Nicky grumbled under her breath about Red not playing fair. She climbed under the covers and instantly wriggled to the middle of the bed. Without any hesitation Red pulled her close and Nicky hummed in approval. She felt a wave of tension and all the feelings of annoyance wash away. This was all she had been after, in her sleepy state she conceded to Red's success. As long as she ended up here, it didn't matter who won.

Red stroked her hand against Nicky's cheek and forehead until her breathing evened out. "Spoiled girl," Red said, as though she was chiding Nicky. She knew that she was the only one to blame for it. She indulged Nicky and let her get her way more often than not. However, at the end of the day, if she had earned this level of Nicky's trust she considered it a good day. With a final kiss to Nicky's head, she allowed herself to be overcome by the tugging exhaustion and fell asleep. 


End file.
